Marshall: Let's make a baby!
Lily: Whoa! Baby, you're packing snowballs, and your breath smells like a mermaid fart.
Marshall: Loving the dirty talk... But you know what's even hotter? If we face this-a-way. Ooh, we're bad.
Lily: Wait... hey, baby, why are you facing me north? [gasps] You're trying to make us have a boy.
Marshall: I can ex... How do you know about the north thing?
Lily: Um, um...
Marshall: And what are you doing with those lemons? You're trying to make us have a girl!

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, in the fall of 2010, our friends Stuart and Claudia had a baby, and Lily and Marshall were the first to visit the happy new parents.
Marshall: So, have you guys landed on a name yet?
Stuart: We're trying, but it's tougher than you think. You see, I like "Tiffany."
Claudia: And I don't want my daughter to have a whore's name.
Stuart: That's my mother's name.
Claudia: I know.
Stuart: Oh, I got it. How 'bout we name the baby after you... "Frigid Shrew."
Claudia: Oh, that's good. No, no, no, no. Let's call her "Vodka." Then at least we know you'd hold her tight and never let her go!
Stuart: Don't knock the vodka. Wouldn't have a kid without it.
Marshall: Oh, that's... Stuart, you are so...

Marshall: That's not gonna be us, right? I mean, how hard can it be to name a baby?
Lily: Right? I mean, just look at her.
Marshall: Yeah.
Lily: She's clearly a...
Marshall: Emily.
Lily: Lisa.
Marshall: Lisa?!
Lily: Emily?!
[The baby starts to cry]
Both: Uh-oh.

Marshall: Well, I mean, geez, Lily.
Robin: Well, whatever you do, do not name your baby "Becky," right?
Marshall: Why? What?
Lily: What?
Robin: Becky. My new co-anchor? Don't you guys ever watch the show?
Lily: Oh, honey, I really try.
Marshall: Our DVR won't recognize it as a television program.

Ted: I watched. Robin insisted I confirm how "awful" Becky is, so last night I checked it out.
[flashback to Robin hosting the show with Becky:]
Robin: Peace talks in the region have been described as, "productive." Becky?
Becky: Last night, in Staten Island, a taco cart owner was robbed at gunpoint. Aww! That's so sad.
Robin: Becky, we're- We're journalists. We can't get emotional about the news, we...
Becky: Oh, no! They stole all his money and then pelted him with his own taco meat! [crying] Who would do that?
Robin: Well, if you read the story, we might find out.
Becky: Oh, can I do this one, about the horse? I love horseys. Oh, the horse died. Guys! This news is all really sad.

Lily: You know, when you think about that, that phrase is really creepy.
Marshall: No, it's not. It's fun. Here, watch this. Hey, Lily... Who's your daddy?
Lily: [chuckles]
Robin: Okay, uh, let me get this straight. So, in, uh, in this scenario, because you make such sweet love to Lily, she is now your daughter.
Marshall: No, she is not my daughter. I'm just her daddy.
Ted: Wow. That is disgusting.

Lily: Here's my list of baby names.
Marshall: Oh.
Lily: What about "Tara"?
Marshall: No. Not "Tara." Tara was the hottest girl in my high school. We were all, like, obsessed with her. We didn't just talk about her and fantasize about her... We wrote songs about her.
[flashback to Marshall and three friends harmonizing:]
Marshall: [singing] Tara, your booty is so smooth And I hope this isn't rude But I want to get up on it.

Marshall: Not "Tara."
Lily: What about "Esther"?
[flashback to Marshall and Barney at a strip club:]
Announcer: Gentlemen, gentlemen. Coming up on the main stage, give it up for Esther!
Marshall: Oh. Oh. Hey, Barney. That prime rib was surprisingly good, but it's 10:30 in the morning. I don't need to see a lady get naked and dance.
Barney: Oh, Esther gets naked. But she doesn't dance.
Marshall: Then what does she do?
[A balloon appears, floats across the room and is then popped by a dart.
Marshall: Sweet mother nature!
[A deck of cards is flung towards Marshall and Barney. One sticks to Barney's foreheads]
Barney: That was my card!
Announcer: Gentlemen, gentlemen. Give it up for Esther!
[present:]
Marshall: Not "Esther."

Ted: Marshall, your list is entirely boy names. You do realize there's roughly a 50% chance of you having a daughter, right?
Marshall: Okay, honestly, I've never thought about having a girl. I don't want to think about having a girl. Tara, Esther... can you imagine being one of those girls' dads?
[fantasy scene of an elderly Marshall walking his daughter through a high school corridor as a trio of boys serenade her:]
Boys: [singing] Marshall's daughter Your booty Your booty's so smooth.
[fantasy scene of an elderly Marshall and his daughter walking out on the stage of a strip club:]
Announcer: Gentlemen, gentlemen. On the main stage, give it up for Marshall's daughter.
Marshall's daughter: He screwed up my childhood. That's why I do this.

Marshall: I have no idea how to raise a daughter! What if she makes bad choices? I mean, what if she winds up dating some... Oh, God.
[fantasy scene of Marshall's stripper daughter introducing him to her boyfriend:]
Marshall's daughter: Papa, I want you to meet my new boyfriend.
Elderly Barney: Hey, bro. Thanks for making such a hottie. Who's your daddy?
Marshall's daughter: You are, 'cause of all the sex we have.
[Marshall vomits]