‘As Fast As She Can’
Season 4, Episode 23 - Aired May 11, 2009
Ted unwittingly talks Tony into dumping Stella. Meanwhile, Barney is determined to prove he can talk his way out of a speeding ticket.
Quote from Ted
[flashback to Ted and Tony meeting with a man in his large, fancy dining room:]
Richard Greenleaf: One final concern: Soundproofing. I tend to make a lot of racket when I launder. I'll show you what I mean. I'm gonna go to my laundry room, and you tell me if you can hear me. [exits]
Ted: Does something feel off about this guy?
Tony: Off the hook! Bro, you are nailing this.
[chainsaws and manic laughter]
Quote from Ted
Robin: Ted, you can't design a murder house!
Ted: I'm not gonna design a murder house.
Marshall: Ted, you can't design a murder house!
Ted: I'm not going to design a murder house!
Quote from Ted
Tony: I'm sorry about that murder house thing. That was my bad. That's on me. So, new plan. You, my friend, are gonna build the Statue of Liberty a husband. Now, I got some suction down at City Hall.
Ted: Alright, stop it! I don't want your help, okay? You don't have to do this.
Tony: Yes, I do.
Ted: Why?
Tony: Because... when you were with Stella, I know how much I missed her. I can only imagine you feel the same way.
Ted: [laughs] Okay, well, let me put your mind at ease. I don't want Stella back, okay? She lied to me and left me at the altar. I mean, what kind of person does that? I'm better off without her. She's all yours, buddy.
Quote from Robin
Ted: Tony broke up with you?
Stella: He said it was because of something you said.
Robin: You got Tony to dump Stella? I am very sorry, but I'm going to have to insist that you bump this.
Ted: Let's talk out in the hall.
Robin: I'll be waiting.
Quote from Ted
Ted: So, why are you here?
Stella: Look, Ted, this is about seven months too late, but here goes. I've been in love with Tony since high school. We dated for a long time, but then... I got pregnant, and I guess for two 19-year-olds it was just too much to handle, so we broke up. And for a long time I just focused on being a mother. I forgot about Tony.
I forgot about... the very idea of being in love. And then you came along and reminded me. And I loved you for that. I loved you so much, in fact, that it was just... shy of enough. But I never stopped loving Tony.
Mrs. Matsen: [opens her door] Take him back, honey. He's sorry.
Ted: No, that's not... That's not what's happening. Just go back inside, Mrs. Matsen.
Quote from Ted
Ted: It was good seeing you, Stella.
Stella: Can you talk to Tony?
Ted: What?
Stella: He'd listen to you. You changed his mind. You could change it back. I know it's an awful thing to ask...
Ted: Yeah, it's an awful thing to ask.
Stella: Well, I don't know what else to do, okay? I love him.
Ted: Oh, you love him. So what, you're-you're appealing to the romantic in me? Is that your strategy? Because that guy's gone. You can't pull those strings anymore. They're not attached to anything thanks to you.
Mrs. Matsen: Go ahead, honey, kiss him!
Stella: Go inside, Mrs. Matsen!
Ted: Mrs. Matsen, go inside!
Quote from Barney
Ted: [answers phone] Hello?
Barney: [speaking rapidly] Ted, it's me! It's Barney. It's me! I need your help! I'm in big trouble!
Ted: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. What happened?
[flashback to Barney being pulled over by the female officer:]
Barney: I'm guessing something that explosive has to be registered with the proper authorities.
Police Officer: Get out of the car.
Barney: Why, am I under arrest?
Police Officer: Yes, you are. I ran your plates. You've had 15 moving violations in the last three days. Get out of the car.
Barney: But no, my wife's having a baby! I have a sausage with your name on it!
Police Officer: Out of the car now! [points her gun]
Barney: [screams]
Quote from Barney
Barney: [on the phone] I need you to come to Brazzaville, New Jersey and bail me out.
Ted: I'm kind of in the middle of something.
Barney: Hurry, Ted. You have no idea of the kind of the hardened criminals they've got me in here with.
Boy: Are we gonna get our spray paint back?
Barney: Save me, Ted!
Quote from Barney
Future Ted: [v.o.] So Stella and I drove all the way out to New Jersey, bailed your Uncle Barney out of jail and drove all the way home.
Barney: By the way, Ted, how's that girl you've been seeing? That super hot French chick with the big enormous boobs?
Ted: Oh, you mean Claudette? Yeah, she's... fine.
Barney: Man, she's the hottest girl you have ever been with, Ted. Ever! Bye, Stella.
Quote from Ted
Ted: Okay, but just tell me this. Why Tony? I mean, is it the money, the kung fu pajamas? Like, what... What is it?
Stella: He's the one.
Ted: The one.
Stella: Yeah, I know it's kinda sappy, but, yeah.
Ted: Okay, I'm gonna say something out loud that I've been doing a pretty good job of not saying out loud lately. What you and Tony have... What I thought for a second you and I had... What I know that Marshall
and Lily have... I want that. I do. I keep waiting for it to happen and waiting for it to happen, and... I guess I'm just... I'm tired of waiting. And that is all I'm going to say on that subject.
Stella: You know, I once talked my way out of a speeding ticket?
Ted: Really?
Stella: I was heading upstate to my parents' house doing, like, 90 on this country road, and I got pulled over. So this cop gets out of his car. He kind of swaggers on over and he's, like, "Young lady, I have been waiting for you all day." And so I looked up at him and I said, "I'm so sorry, Officer. I got here as fast as I could."
Ted: For real?
Stella: No, it's an old joke. I know that you're tired of waiting, and you may have to wait a little while more, but she's on her way, Ted. And she's getting here as fast as she can.
Ted: Bye, Stella.
Stella: Bye, Ted.