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How I Met Your Mother: As Fast As She Can

‘As Fast As She Can’

Season 4, Episode 23 -  Aired May 11, 2009

Ted unwittingly talks Tony into dumping Stella. Meanwhile, Barney is determined to prove he can talk his way out of a speeding ticket.

Quote from Ted

Ted: I don't want her back. Or her front. I just want to move on. And this was an important step towards that. To moving on. [Ted and friends toast]
Future Ted: And you know, I really meant it. But still, that night, my mind began to wander.
[fantasy scene of Stella arriving at Ted's apartment:]
Stella: I made a terrible mistake.
Ted: I know. I'm a better person than you are.
Stella: You totally are. Let's get back together, and have way more sex than before.
Ted: Deal!
[reality: Ted hears a knock and goes to answer the front door:]
Tony: Hello, Ted.

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Quote from Ted

Ted: No, come in. It's not weird at all.
Tony: Ted, Teddy, Ted, Ted, Ted. I knew it was wrong to steal somebody's fiancée. I mean, I grappled with it. I was up nights. And not for the good reason. Well, sometimes for the good reason. I mean, Stella and I hadn't seen each other in five years, so, as you can imagine, the beginning, it was just fast and furious. Lamps breaking, furniture moving. You see this bald patch?
Ted: Tony?
Tony: Anyway, we moved on. Me, Lucy, Stella, we were gonna move to L.A. I was gonna become a screenwriter. Then we bumped into you, and you just looked so... sad.
Ted: Sad? No. I think what you're calling sad was actually a jovial nonchalance.
Tony: Ted, you looked awful, okay? Like a little dachshund puppy with a bad back that's got to pull itself around on a cart.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Why are you here?
Tony: Ted, I know I can come across pretty tough, but I can't bear to have hurt someone the way I hurt you. I think fate put me on that corner to make this right. Obviously, I can't fill that giant crater that Stella left in your heart.
Ted: I've been dating. Like, a lot.
Tony: And then I heard you got fired.
Ted: I transitioned into small business ownership. [clears throat] It's the backbone of the economy.
Tony: No, it's not.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: Tony is rich? Oh, Ted. Oh, Ted, tell me he wrote you a check. Tell me he wrote you a big, fat check. A check so big it doesn't take its shirt off when it goes swimming.
Barney: That is a big, fat check. A check so big, if you had sex with it, you wouldn't tell your buddies.
Marshall: That is a big, fat check.
Robin: A check so big that when you sit next to it on an airplane, you find yourself wondering whether the check should have bought 2 seats.
Marshall: That...
Barney: Is a big, fat check!

Quote from Ted

Ted: He didn't write me a check.
[flashback to Ted and Tony in the apartment:]
Tony: Ted, I want to offer you a job.
Ted: A job?
Tony: Every year, my family gives a lot of money to Columbia University, so I got some pull. How would you like to design...
Future Ted: [v.o.] My heart leapt into my throat. A new library? A new student center?
Tony: ... your very own curriculum as a professor of architecture.
Ted: No, thanks.

Quote from Ted

Marshall: What do you mean, "No, thanks"? Ted, you would be a great professor, OK? You are knowledgeable, you're a good talker, and when you need to, you can grow a very handsome neck beard.
Ted: I'm not gonna be a professor. Teaching architecture is what you do when your career has totally bottomed out and you need to pay the bills.
[Barney and Marshall mutter]
Ted: Hey, hey, hey. Small business owner. Backbone of the economy. I'm not gonna take that job, all right? I'm gonna be just fine.

Quote from Robin

Marshall: See, it's all about sizing up your opponent. I could tell that the officer was a brat man because, well, he was out of breath just from walking to my car and... he had mustard on his holster.
Robin: Marshall Eriksen, manipulating an officer of the law with your sausage.
Marshall: Uh-uh.
Robin: That is very hot.

Quote from Barney

Police Officer: License and registration.
Barney: Of course, Officer. Right away. [hands the officer a piece of paper]
Police Officer: Sir, this is a gift certificate for a custom-tailored Italian suit.
Barney: So, we done here?
[later, at MacLaren's:]
Barney: 375 dollars! And he kept the gift certificates. I'm gonna call Emilio and tell him to short-sheet him on the crotch.

Quote from Ted

Robin: Hey. How did your lunch go with the rich guy?
Ted: Well, it started off great.
[flashback to Ted and Tony meeting with a man in his large, fancy dining room:]
Ted: I want to design a house that celebrates the landscape without overpowering it. You know, when Frank Lloyd Wright designed Fallingwater in 1935...
Richard Greenleaf: Yes, yes. That's all fine. I'm sure you'll do a great job. What I'm really worried about is the basement. Specifically the laundry room.
Ted: The laundry room?
Richard Greenleaf: I require a laundry room of 15 feet by 15 feet, stain-proof ceramic tile from floor to ceiling. I'm a man who likes to do his own laundry, and sometimes, it gets messy.
[present:]
Marshall: Messy?
Ted: Messy.

Quote from Ted

[flashback to Ted and Tony meeting with a man in his large, fancy dining room:]
Richard Greenleaf: Steel chains will dangle from the ceiling at a height of nine feet. And that is where my... laundry bags will hang for three days and three nights before I... clean them.
[present:]
Robin: Uh, Ted, it kind of sounds like what this guy is asking you to design...
Ted: It's a murder house.
Robin: It is. It's totally a murder house.
[back:]
Tony: You know, as a martial artist, I'm trained to trust my instincts, and my instincts are saying this... feels very good.
Ted: The steak is so rare.

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