Marshall: Oh, yeah.
Lily: Oh, baby. No, no. Not the slipper socks with the rubber soles. I work so hard to-to set the mood, and-and when I see those, I feel the egg go [slurps] right back up my Fallopian tube.
Marshall: Baby, these satin sheets are slippery. Papa needs traction.
Lily: Traction?
Marshall: As you know, Papa likes to get down with enthusiasm.
Lily: Please stop calling yourself "Papa."
Marshall: And without traction, Papa's likely to boogie himself right out of bed. It's either these or soccer cleats.
Lily: [slurps]

Barney: This whole Arcadian thing is classic Mosby. Changing your personality to fit some girl.
Ted: I don't do that.
[flashback to Ted about to leave the apartment in rock-climbing gear:]
Ted: Well, off to meet Steph. We're adrenaline junkies!
[flashback to Ted leaving the apartment in a civil war costume:]
Ted: Penelope is taking me to the Battle of Gettysburg. We're gonna eat squirrel! Look, she's really hot, okay?
[flashback to Ted leaving the apartment in a wizard's costume:]
Ted: Look, she's really hot, okay?

Future Ted: [v.o.] That night, as I worked on a new design that just might solve all my problems, Marshall was visited by a disturbing vision.
[As Marshall and Lily kiss in bed, he imagines Lily and Robin sitting in the corner talking about his sexual prowess:]
Imaginary Lily: Ugh, he thinks I like this... But it feels disgusting.
Imaginary Robin: Uh, it looks disgusting.
Marshall: Um... Uh, is this working for you?
Imaginary Lily: "Uh, is this working for you?"
Imaginary Robin: Oh, of course, because what woman doesn't like being slobbered on while some giant paws at her nether regions like Lenny from Of Mice and Men?
Imaginary Lily: Oh, you're bad.
Imaginary Robin: More Cosmos?
Marshall: I can't... I can't do this! I can't stop thinking about you and Robin!
Lily: Oh, I've had that a couple times. Just lean into it and let it fuel things.

Zoey: Ted, wh- wh- what are you doing?
Ted: This wouldn't work. Zoey, The Arcadian was a really great building once, but it's falling apart, and it's full of snakes.
Zoey: Snakes?
Ted: I don't recall saying snakes.

Lily: [on the phone] Then he gets this panicked look on his face, says, "I can't do this," and storms out.
Robin: Wow, that is weird.
Lily: But here's the crazier part.
[flashback to Marshall and Lily arguing:]
Marshall: No. You know what? Papa don't back down from a fight. So why don't you tell Robin... about this!
[present:]
Lily: It was amazing. He was passionate, animalistic, a complete stud.
Robin: Wow. So he's right there making you say all this, huh?
Lily: Yup. "'You're like a Greek god,' I moaned, as the..." I can't read that, baby.
Marshall: "Musky scent of man."
Lily: "As the musky scent of man and Marshall's sure-footed traction intoxicated and overpowered me."
Robin: That sounds real.

Barney: Ted, you only think The Arcadian needs to be saved because some pretty girl thinks that. And seriously... Boobs?
Ted: This isn't about the girl. It's about the building.
Barney: And what did this "Zoey" say when she found out that you're the one tearing down her beloved Arcadian? That you, Ted Mosby, are the Architect Of Destruction?
Marshall: Whoa! Sweet wrestling name alert.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Everything was going great. That is, right up until Barney said...
Barney: Oh, big news. The board finally settled on a site for the building.
Future Ted: It was the site of The Arcadian, one of New York's grandest old hotels. In its heyday, it was the New
York home to kings and queens. But lately... mostly just queens.
Drag queen: Hi, handsome. Lookin' for a date?
Ted: Uh, no, thank you. [to himself] Still got it.

Marshall: Nice. I love that guy. Max is both his name and his level of awesomeness.
Lily: Yeah. He's a sweet guy. She feels really comfortable with him. They bonded over hockey. I guess he has a small penis, but they want to double-date next weekend.
Marshall: Gah! Why would you tell me that?
Lily: So you'll clear your schedule.
Marshall: No! The other part!
Lily: Oh, the small penis thing?
Marshall: Ah! Don't! Stop saying that! Why do you keep saying that? You... I don't want to know that. I'm not going to be able to look the guy in the eye. I'm certainly not going to be able to call him "Max."
Lily: That's insane. I mean, just because you know Max has a small penis...
Marshall: Gah! Just don't! [runs out]

Barney: Just like bigger is always better!
Marshall: Pfft. That's not true. Uh, sometimes smaller is better. "Hey, look how big my cell phone is!" You don't hear people say that. No. You want something compact and efficient that fits comfortably in your pocket, and I think Max is just a great guy.
Robin: Lily told you.
Ted: Told him what?
Lily: Max has a small penis.
Marshall, Ted & Barney: Gah!
Barney: How can you speak of such things?

Lily: So why is it okay for guys to talk about boobs, but the moment we bring up a topic like Max's small penis...
Marshall, Ted & Barney: Gah!
Barney: I'm gonna pretend this conversation never happened.
Marshall: Impossible. Max's penis is stuck in my brain like a splinter. Like a splinter-sized splinter.