How I Met Your Mother Quotes

How I Met Your Mother

How I Met Your Mother

In 2030, a father tells his children the story of his time in New York City before he met their mother.

Starring: Josh Radnor, Jason Segel, Cobie Smulders, Neil Patrick Harris, Alyson Hannigan, Bob Saget.
Original Run: 2005-2014.

Quote of the Day

Sunday, April 18, 2021

Quote from Barney in The Best Man

Future Ted: [v.o.] And so we all headed to my hometown where we planned to celebrate Punchy's big day. Uncle Barney had different plans.
Barney: Get ready, Cleveland. The last man to screw you this hard then disappear was LeBron James.

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Popular Quotes

Quote from Lily in Unfinished

Lily: Where's the poop, Robin?
Robin: Excuse me?
Lily: When I was a kid, I had a dog named Bean. Whenever he made the face that you're making right now, you just knew he pooped somewhere in the house. Where's the poop, Robin?
Robin: I don't know what you're talking about.
Lily: Where's the poop, Robin?
Robin: There's no poop.
Lily: Where's the poop?

Quote from Barney in How Lily Stole Christmas

Robin: You have to go home and get to bed.
Barney: Oh, Robin, my simple friend from the untamed north, let me tell you about a little thing I like to call mind over body. You see, whenever I start feeling sick, I just stop being sick and be awesome instead. True story. Yeah, in two minutes, I'm going to pound a sixer of Red Bull, hop in a cab, play a couple of hours of laser tag, maybe get a spray-on tan. It's gonna be legen... Wait for it... [Barney falls asleep]

Quote from Barney in How I Met Everyone Else

Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.

Quote Collections

  • Robin and Patrice

    “Robin and Patrice”

    All the times Robin got angry at her colleague Patrice. "Sisters fight, Ted!"

    12 quotes

  • Have you met... Ted?

    “Have you met... Ted?”

    Have you met... is a line the gang use to start conversations with potential mates for their friends. It's most commonly used by wingman Barney to introduce Ted to women.

    21 quotes

  • Barney Stinson: Wait for It

    “Barney Stinson: Wait for It”

    Wait for it is one of Barney's many catchphrases, often interjected into "Legendary". At Barney's suggestion, Marshall and Lily's son, Marvin, has the middle name "Wait-for-it".

    16 quotes

  • Barney Stinson: Challenge Accepted

    “Barney Stinson: Challenge Accepted”

    All the times Barney Stinson accepted a ridiculous challenge, usually one which he himself proposed.

    18 quotes

  • Barney Stinson: Legendary

    “Barney Stinson: Legendary”

    A collection of quotes featuring Barney Stinson's most notable catchphrase, "Legendary!"

    27 quotes

  • Robin Sparkles

    “Robin Sparkles”

    The story of Robin's time as a teen pop star and actress in Canada. As Robin Sparkles, she was known for songs including "Let's Go to the Mall", "Sandcastles in the Sand", and "P.S. I Love You". She also starred in a children's show, "Space Teens", with Alan Thicke.

    21 quotes

  • Barney Stinson and The Karate Kid

    “Barney Stinson and The Karate Kid”

    Barney Stinson is the only one awesome enough to see that the true hero of the Karate Kid movie is Johnny Lawrence (William Zabka) from the Cobra Kai dojo.

    8 quotes

  • Barney Stinson: Suit Up

    “Barney Stinson: Suit Up”

    Suit up is Barney's catchphrase to implore his friends to step up their sartorial game to match his.

    16 quotes

  • Songs of How I Met Your Mother

    “Songs of How I Met Your Mother”

    A collection of quotes featuring musical moments from How I Met Your Mother.

    17 quotes

  • Barney Stinson: True Story

    “Barney Stinson: True Story”

    The totally true stories of Barney Stinson.

    14 quotes

Trending Quotes

Quote from Barney in Woooo!

[flashback to the GNB conference room:]
Ted: ...will radiate the strength and stability that is Goliath National Bank. Thank you, gentlemen. [exits to applause]
Barney: So?
Bilson: That was great. I love it.
Barney: Yes! Looks like we got our guy. I don't think we even need to meet with...
[The room is dark, three blonde men wearing sunglasses and head pieces stand in front of the conference table. Electronic music plays]
Sven: I am Sven Jorgensen. With me are Sven Pilsen and Sven Johanssen, and we are... Sven! [The Svens dance] You are Goliath National Bank. You are cutting edge. You are new. You are fresh. Women want to be with you, men wish to harm you, but the fool who dares challenge you shall be crushed! Your headquarters will tell the world of these facts. Oh, and one more thing... Don't look now! [a dinosaur-shaped structure appears in a poof of smoke] Which of you is Barney Stinson, head of the search committee?
Barney: Oh, my God. That's me!
Sven: You, Barney Stinson, are a man of power and virility. Your office shall be here, in the head of a tyrannosaurus rex.
Barney: I never knew it till now, but I've always dreamed of that.
Sven: On your large desk of Honduran rosewood shall be this button.
Barney: What does the button do?
Sven: Press it! Press it for glory!
[Barney presses the button. Fire is shot out of the dinosaur's mouth]
Barney: Yes! This is the most awesome building in the universe. There is no way this building could be more awesome.
Sven: There is a strip club in the letter "N."
Barney: Ah!

Quote from Barney in Twelve Horny Women

Barney: It is super-weird between us, and I don't want it to be.
Robin: Me, neither.
Barney: So let me just say this. I'm done. You don't have to worry anymore.
Robin: What do you mean?
Barney: I'm done trying to get you. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to figure it out, but I promise... I'm done making a fool of myself.
Robin: Barney, you haven't been making a fool out of yourself.
Barney: It's okay. It's okay. I want it to be okay. So here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna get us two drinks, come back and comment on the likely size and color of the nipples on that redhead at the bar, with the big, dark nipples. And you're gonna be grossed out, but you're gonna laugh a little anyway, and then you'll tell a funny story about "that bitch Patrice" at work, but neither one of us are gonna say, "Hey, how's it going?" or "Good to see you!" Because it really will be good to see you. Think we can swing that?
Robin: Yeah, I do.
Barney: Badass.
Robin: [smiles] Huh.

Quote from Marshall in Desperation Day

Marshall: Hey, Mom? I hate to be that guy, but I'm pretty sure it was Hot Pocket o'clock, like, ten minutes ago.
Lily. Lily. What are you doing here?
Lily: I wanted to surprise you.
Marshall: Oh, my gosh. That's so sweet. I'm so glad you're here. Hey, um, before I forget, Mom, did you remember to get more double-A batteries?
Judy: Oh, they're upstairs, sweetie. Right next to your washed and folded clothes.
Marshall: Oh, great, okay. I don't want my Game Boy to crap out. I'm having the sickest Dr. Mario run of my life. Okay. I'll be right back. I love you, Lily. You're the best, Mom.
Judy: Aw... Anything for my baby bear. [to Lily] Get him out of my house.