TV Quotes

Lily: Where's the poop, Robin?
Robin: Excuse me?
Lily: When I was a kid, I had a dog named Bean. Whenever he made the face that you're making right now, you just knew he pooped somewhere in the house. Where's the poop, Robin?
Robin: I don't know what you're talking about.
Lily: Where's the poop, Robin?
Robin: There's no poop.
Lily: Where's the poop?

Robin: You have to go home and get to bed.
Barney: Oh, Robin, my simple friend from the untamed north, let me tell you about a little thing I like to call mind over body. You see, whenever I start feeling sick, I just stop being sick and be awesome instead. True story. Yeah, in two minutes, I'm going to pound a sixer of Red Bull, hop in a cab, play a couple of hours of laser tag, maybe get a spray-on tan. It's gonna be legen... Wait for it... [Barney falls asleep]

Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.

[flashback to the GNB conference room:]
Ted: ...will radiate the strength and stability that is Goliath National Bank. Thank you, gentlemen. [exits to applause]
Barney: So?
Bilson: That was great. I love it.
Barney: Yes! Looks like we got our guy. I don't think we even need to meet with...
[The room is dark, three blonde men wearing sunglasses and head pieces stand in front of the conference table. Electronic music plays]
Sven: I am Sven Jorgensen. With me are Sven Pilsen and Sven Johanssen, and we are... Sven! [The Svens dance] You are Goliath National Bank. You are cutting edge. You are new. You are fresh. Women want to be with you, men wish to harm you, but the fool who dares challenge you shall be crushed! Your headquarters will tell the world of these facts. Oh, and one more thing... Don't look now! [a dinosaur-shaped structure appears in a poof of smoke] Which of you is Barney Stinson, head of the search committee?
Barney: Oh, my God. That's me!
Sven: You, Barney Stinson, are a man of power and virility. Your office shall be here, in the head of a tyrannosaurus rex.
Barney: I never knew it till now, but I've always dreamed of that.
Sven: On your large desk of Honduran rosewood shall be this button.
Barney: What does the button do?
Sven: Press it! Press it for glory!
[Barney presses the button. Fire is shot out of the dinosaur's mouth]
Barney: Yes! This is the most awesome building in the universe. There is no way this building could be more awesome.
Sven: There is a strip club in the letter "N."
Barney: Ah!

Barney: It is super-weird between us, and I don't want it to be.
Robin: Me, neither.
Barney: So let me just say this. I'm done. You don't have to worry anymore.
Robin: What do you mean?
Barney: I'm done trying to get you. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to figure it out, but I promise... I'm done making a fool of myself.
Robin: Barney, you haven't been making a fool out of yourself.
Barney: It's okay. It's okay. I want it to be okay. So here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna get us two drinks, come back and comment on the likely size and color of the nipples on that redhead at the bar, with the big, dark nipples. And you're gonna be grossed out, but you're gonna laugh a little anyway, and then you'll tell a funny story about "that bitch Patrice" at work, but neither one of us are gonna say, "Hey, how's it going?" or "Good to see you!" Because it really will be good to see you. Think we can swing that?
Robin: Yeah, I do.
Barney: Badass.
Robin: [smiles] Huh.

Marshall: Hey, Mom? I hate to be that guy, but I'm pretty sure it was Hot Pocket o'clock, like, ten minutes ago.
Lily. Lily. What are you doing here?
Lily: I wanted to surprise you.
Marshall: Oh, my gosh. That's so sweet. I'm so glad you're here. Hey, um, before I forget, Mom, did you remember to get more double-A batteries?
Judy: Oh, they're upstairs, sweetie. Right next to your washed and folded clothes.
Marshall: Oh, great, okay. I don't want my Game Boy to crap out. I'm having the sickest Dr. Mario run of my life. Okay. I'll be right back. I love you, Lily. You're the best, Mom.
Judy: Aw... Anything for my baby bear. [to Lily] Get him out of my house.