TV Quotes

[Doug eats his cereal as Robin reads the newspaper at the dining table]
Doug: What are you reading?
Robin: The business section. The Fed's gonna lower rates again to bail out these subprime lenders, bunch of idiots.
Doug: Miss Aldrin says it's not nice to call people names.
Robin: Well, maybe if they weren't such idiots, I wouldn't have to call them that.
Doug: That's what I said. You're pretty cool.
Robin: You too.

Robin: You have to go home and get to bed.
Barney: Oh, Robin, my simple friend from the untamed north, let me tell you about a little thing I like to call mind over body. You see, whenever I start feeling sick, I just stop being sick and be awesome instead. True story. Yeah, in two minutes, I'm going to pound a sixer of Red Bull, hop in a cab, play a couple of hours of laser tag, maybe get a spray-on tan. It's gonna be legen... Wait for it... [Barney falls asleep]

Lily: Where's the poop, Robin?
Robin: Excuse me?
Lily: When I was a kid, I had a dog named Bean. Whenever he made the face that you're making right now, you just knew he pooped somewhere in the house. Where's the poop, Robin?
Robin: I don't know what you're talking about.
Lily: Where's the poop, Robin?
Robin: There's no poop.
Lily: Where's the poop?

Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.

Lily: Wow, Barney, it looks like your mom kept your childhood bedroom just the way you left it.
Marshall: Yeah, that sure is a big poster of The Karate Kid above your bed.
Barney: Hey, Karate Kid's a great movie. It's the story of a hopeful young karate enthusiast whose dreams and moxie take him all the way to the All Valley Karate Championship. Of course, sadly, he loses in the final round to that nerd kid. But he learns an important lesson about gracefully accepting defeat.
Lily: Wait. When you watch The Karate Kid, you actually root for that mean blond boy?
Barney: No, I root for the scrawny loser from New Jersey who barely even knows karate. When I watch The Karate Kid, I root for the karate kid: Johnny Lawrence from the Cobra Kai dojo. Get your head out of your ass, Lily.

Ted: We've been on this exact blind date before.
Jen: In this exact same restaurant.
Ted: Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't recall that date going too well.
Jen: Me neither. I remember thinking that you were a little snobby.
Ted: Wait, you... You dress your cats up in weird costumes.
Jen: They're not weird. See, you're being snobby again.
Ted: Oh, my God. Do you realize what this means? Since our first date, we've done a complete lap of all the single people in New York only to end up back here, with each other.
Jen: Whoa. We're going to die alone, aren't we?
Ted: Well, you've got your cats.

[May 2016:]
Barney: So, Marshall, how's your job going?
Marshall: My chair... is reasonably comfortable. For short periods of time.
Lily: Marshall has decided to say only positive things about being back in corporate law.
Robin: So you hate it?
Marshall: Much of what I do does not make me cry.
Lily: But the job's only temporary. Marshall was offered the judgeship once, and he turned it down for me. So, karmically, that phone has to ring again.
Marshall: And even if it doesn't, today, when my boss threw his egg salad sandwich at my face, some of it got into my mouth. And it was tasty.