TV Quotes

Lily: Where's the poop, Robin?
Robin: Excuse me?
Lily: When I was a kid, I had a dog named Bean. Whenever he made the face that you're making right now, you just knew he pooped somewhere in the house. Where's the poop, Robin?
Robin: I don't know what you're talking about.
Lily: Where's the poop, Robin?
Robin: There's no poop.
Lily: Where's the poop?

Robin: You have to go home and get to bed.
Barney: Oh, Robin, my simple friend from the untamed north, let me tell you about a little thing I like to call mind over body. You see, whenever I start feeling sick, I just stop being sick and be awesome instead. True story. Yeah, in two minutes, I'm going to pound a sixer of Red Bull, hop in a cab, play a couple of hours of laser tag, maybe get a spray-on tan. It's gonna be legen... Wait for it... [Barney falls asleep]

Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.

Barney: It is super-weird between us, and I don't want it to be.
Robin: Me, neither.
Barney: So let me just say this. I'm done. You don't have to worry anymore.
Robin: What do you mean?
Barney: I'm done trying to get you. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to figure it out, but I promise... I'm done making a fool of myself.
Robin: Barney, you haven't been making a fool out of yourself.
Barney: It's okay. It's okay. I want it to be okay. So here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna get us two drinks, come back and comment on the likely size and color of the nipples on that redhead at the bar, with the big, dark nipples. And you're gonna be grossed out, but you're gonna laugh a little anyway, and then you'll tell a funny story about "that bitch Patrice" at work, but neither one of us are gonna say, "Hey, how's it going?" or "Good to see you!" Because it really will be good to see you. Think we can swing that?
Robin: Yeah, I do.
Barney: Badass.
Robin: [smiles] Huh.

[the year 2024:]
Curtis: Well, well, if it isn't the Mosbys.
Both: Hi.
Curtis: Here for a romantic weekend away from the kids. It's a good thing there's no guests on either side of you because those bed springs are gonna squeak like mice in a cheese factory. Am I right? Ha, ha. Just don't break any lamps like your friends Barney and Robin, okay?
Ted: That's not how the lamp broke.
Curtis: Of course not. Alright, you have fun, you two.

Lily: Wait, what are we doing here?
Marshall: Lily, our-our wedding vows, maybe they were just too perfect for real life. Real life is messier than that, and... we're different people than we were in 2007. But that's okay. Maybe we just need some updated vows. So I thought maybe before this place gets too busy, we could borrow this altar for a minute. Lily Aldrin, I vow to stop shouting stuff at you when you're dumping out. You're the love of my life, and you deserve to make a deuce in peace. I vow to stop pointing out every dog erection we see when we walk through the park, even though they are incredibly weird looking.
Lily: Oh, just don't point and scream, "Maybe it's Maybelline." Marshall Eriksen, I vow to always tell you when you have green stuff in your teeth. You have green stuff in your teeth.
Marshall: Oh. I vow to always sit next to you and hug you, even if you're covered in vomit, whether it's yours or Marvin's or, in the case of what came to be known as Spew Year's Eve 1998, my own. Sorry.
Lily: I vow to stop getting so angry...
Marshall: Ooh, I just thought of another one.
Lily: ...when you interrupt me.
Marshall: Mine was to interrupt you less, so that's good. I vow to finally stop petitioning Paul McCartney to let Weird Al record "Chicken Pot Pie" to the tune of "Live and Let Die." It's over. I'll let it go.