TV Quotes

Victoria: There's a reason that you're not a hundred percent in this with me, Ted. Something's holding us back.
Ted: Well, what is it? I think we've established I'm not great at picking up on clues... Well, in this situation. As a kid, I was known as a bit of a detective. In fact, when my friend's retainer went missing, the Mosby Boys were put
on the case, and it was...
Victoria: The retainer was in the garbage. The Mosby Boys were you, your sister, and a neighborhood squirrel you thought you had tamed.
Ted: I can't believe Squirrel-lock Holmes turned on us like that. Eight weeks of training down the drain.

Robin: You have to go home and get to bed.
Barney: Oh, Robin, my simple friend from the untamed north, let me tell you about a little thing I like to call mind over body. You see, whenever I start feeling sick, I just stop being sick and be awesome instead. True story. Yeah, in two minutes, I'm going to pound a sixer of Red Bull, hop in a cab, play a couple of hours of laser tag, maybe get a spray-on tan. It's gonna be legen... Wait for it... [Barney falls asleep]

Lily: Where's the poop, Robin?
Robin: Excuse me?
Lily: When I was a kid, I had a dog named Bean. Whenever he made the face that you're making right now, you just knew he pooped somewhere in the house. Where's the poop, Robin?
Robin: I don't know what you're talking about.
Lily: Where's the poop, Robin?
Robin: There's no poop.
Lily: Where's the poop?

Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.

Lily: Wow, Barney, it looks like your mom kept your childhood bedroom just the way you left it.
Marshall: Yeah, that sure is a big poster of The Karate Kid above your bed.
Barney: Hey, Karate Kid's a great movie. It's the story of a hopeful young karate enthusiast whose dreams and moxie take him all the way to the All Valley Karate Championship. Of course, sadly, he loses in the final round to that nerd kid. But he learns an important lesson about gracefully accepting defeat.
Lily: Wait. When you watch The Karate Kid, you actually root for that mean blond boy?
Barney: No, I root for the scrawny loser from New Jersey who barely even knows karate. When I watch The Karate Kid, I root for the karate kid: Johnny Lawrence from the Cobra Kai dojo. Get your head out of your ass, Lily.

Marshall: Okay, you know what? Prove it. Take my number and run in my place. I will bet you 50 bucks you don't even finish the race.
Barney: 50 bucks? Gee, Grandpa, if I win, maybe I can buy myself an ice-cream cone. Make it $10,000.
Marshall: You have a gambling problem, you'll bet me $50.
Barney: Fine, then no bet. Okay, $50.

Lily: Oh, you take such good care of me. Thanks for loaning me your shoes for my swollen feet. Ah! I owe you one.
Marshall: We have to stop this.
Lily: Stop what?
Marshall: Keeping score. You're growing a baby, our baby. So you're officially ahead of me for life.
Lily: Oh, thanks, sweetie.
Marshall: Once we're parents, we have to be a team. Deal?
[eight months later, as a baby cries:]
Lily: It's your turn! I was on point for six straight hours yesterday!
Marshall: Two of those hours were a nap and you know it!
Lily: Let's go to the board! I hope it's a soupy deuce, sucka.
[present:]
Lily: Deal. We're a team.