How I Met Your Mother Quotes

How I Met Your Mother

How I Met Your Mother

In 2030, a father tells his children the story of his time in New York City before he met their mother.

Starring: Josh Radnor, Jason Segel, Cobie Smulders, Neil Patrick Harris, Alyson Hannigan, Bob Saget.
Recurring Actors: Cristin Milioti, Marshall Manesh, Wayne Brady, Frances Conroy, Chris Elliot, Kyle MacLachlan.
Original Run: 2005-2014.

Quote of the Day

Quote from Barney in False Positive

Ted: Uh, has it ever occurred to you to give some of this to charity?
Barney: Charity? You're seriously talking to me about charity, dude? I am Mr. Charity. I frequently sleep with sixes, chubsters, over-30s, I am the Bill and Melinda Gates of the sympathy bang.

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Popular Quotes

Quote from Lily in Unfinished

Lily: Where's the poop, Robin?
Robin: Excuse me?
Lily: When I was a kid, I had a dog named Bean. Whenever he made the face that you're making right now, you just knew he pooped somewhere in the house. Where's the poop, Robin?
Robin: I don't know what you're talking about.
Lily: Where's the poop, Robin?
Robin: There's no poop.
Lily: Where's the poop?

Quote from Barney in How Lily Stole Christmas

Robin: You have to go home and get to bed.
Barney: Oh, Robin, my simple friend from the untamed north, let me tell you about a little thing I like to call mind over body. You see, whenever I start feeling sick, I just stop being sick and be awesome instead. True story. Yeah, in two minutes, I'm going to pound a sixer of Red Bull, hop in a cab, play a couple of hours of laser tag, maybe get a spray-on tan. It's gonna be legen... Wait for it... [Barney falls asleep]

Quote from Barney in How I Met Everyone Else

Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.

Quote Collections

  • Have you met... Ted?

    “Have you met... Ted?”

    Have you met... is a line the gang use to start conversations with potential mates for their friends. It's most commonly used by wingman Barney to introduce Ted to women.

    21 quotes

  • Robin and Patrice

    “Robin and Patrice”

    All the times Robin got angry at her colleague Patrice. "Sisters fight, Ted!"

    12 quotes

  • Barney Stinson: Suit Up

    “Barney Stinson: Suit Up”

    Suit up is Barney's catchphrase to implore his friends to step up their sartorial game to match his.

    16 quotes

  • Robin Sparkles

    “Robin Sparkles”

    The story of Robin's time as a teen pop star and actress in Canada. As Robin Sparkles, she was known for songs including "Let's Go to the Mall", "Sandcastles in the Sand", and "P.S. I Love You". She also starred in a children's show, "Space Teens", with Alan Thicke.

    21 quotes

  • Barney Stinson and The Karate Kid

    “Barney Stinson and The Karate Kid”

    Barney Stinson is the only one awesome enough to see that the true hero of the Karate Kid movie is Johnny Lawrence (William Zabka) from the Cobra Kai dojo.

    8 quotes

  • Barney Stinson: Wait for It

    “Barney Stinson: Wait for It”

    Wait for it is one of Barney's many catchphrases, often interjected into "Legendary". At Barney's suggestion, Marshall and Lily's son, Marvin, has the middle name "Wait-for-it".

    16 quotes

  • Barney Stinson: Legendary

    “Barney Stinson: Legendary”

    A collection of quotes featuring Barney Stinson's most notable catchphrase, "Legendary!"

    27 quotes

  • Barney Stinson: Challenge Accepted

    “Barney Stinson: Challenge Accepted”

    All the times Barney Stinson accepted a ridiculous challenge, usually one which he himself proposed.

    18 quotes

  • Songs of How I Met Your Mother

    “Songs of How I Met Your Mother”

    A collection of quotes featuring musical moments from How I Met Your Mother.

    17 quotes

  • Barney Stinson: True Story

    “Barney Stinson: True Story”

    The totally true stories of Barney Stinson.

    14 quotes

Trending Quotes

Quote from Barney in Twelve Horny Women

Barney: It is super-weird between us, and I don't want it to be.
Robin: Me, neither.
Barney: So let me just say this. I'm done. You don't have to worry anymore.
Robin: What do you mean?
Barney: I'm done trying to get you. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to figure it out, but I promise... I'm done making a fool of myself.
Robin: Barney, you haven't been making a fool out of yourself.
Barney: It's okay. It's okay. I want it to be okay. So here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna get us two drinks, come back and comment on the likely size and color of the nipples on that redhead at the bar, with the big, dark nipples. And you're gonna be grossed out, but you're gonna laugh a little anyway, and then you'll tell a funny story about "that bitch Patrice" at work, but neither one of us are gonna say, "Hey, how's it going?" or "Good to see you!" Because it really will be good to see you. Think we can swing that?
Robin: Yeah, I do.
Barney: Badass.
Robin: [smiles] Huh.

Quote from Ted in Vesuvius

[the year 2024:]
Curtis: Well, well, if it isn't the Mosbys.
Both: Hi.
Curtis: Here for a romantic weekend away from the kids. It's a good thing there's no guests on either side of you because those bed springs are gonna squeak like mice in a cheese factory. Am I right? Ha, ha. Just don't break any lamps like your friends Barney and Robin, okay?
Ted: That's not how the lamp broke.
Curtis: Of course not. Alright, you have fun, you two.

Quote from Marshall in The End of the Aisle

Lily: Wait, what are we doing here?
Marshall: Lily, our-our wedding vows, maybe they were just too perfect for real life. Real life is messier than that, and... we're different people than we were in 2007. But that's okay. Maybe we just need some updated vows. So I thought maybe before this place gets too busy, we could borrow this altar for a minute. Lily Aldrin, I vow to stop shouting stuff at you when you're dumping out. You're the love of my life, and you deserve to make a deuce in peace. I vow to stop pointing out every dog erection we see when we walk through the park, even though they are incredibly weird looking.
Lily: Oh, just don't point and scream, "Maybe it's Maybelline." Marshall Eriksen, I vow to always tell you when you have green stuff in your teeth. You have green stuff in your teeth.
Marshall: Oh. I vow to always sit next to you and hug you, even if you're covered in vomit, whether it's yours or Marvin's or, in the case of what came to be known as Spew Year's Eve 1998, my own. Sorry.
Lily: I vow to stop getting so angry...
Marshall: Ooh, I just thought of another one.
Lily: ...when you interrupt me.
Marshall: Mine was to interrupt you less, so that's good. I vow to finally stop petitioning Paul McCartney to let Weird Al record "Chicken Pot Pie" to the tune of "Live and Let Die." It's over. I'll let it go.