Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.

Robin: Okay, fine, I'll watch it with you.
Barney: Yeah!
Robin: But if either of you makes even one peep about the show being dirty, I'm turning it off. I'm serious.
[on Space Teens:]
Robin Sparkles: Hey Jessica, how's your beaver?
[in the apartment, Ted and Barney spit take]
Jessica Glitter: Great. How's your beaver?
Robin Sparkles: Busy as ever!
[Ted and Barney stifle laughter]
Robin: Our characters had pet beavers.
Ted: [giggles] Sure.
Robin: The beaver is the official animal of Canada. It's our national mascot.
Barney: It's a noble creature.

Robin: Well, I guess you just got to move on. I mean, it's not like you have a shot with Ready McGee over there, right? Ted?
Future Ted: [v.o.] Then I remembered. Cindy had a roommate. A roommate I only caught a glimpse of... But a roommate who, by every indication, was something very special. Was it possible? Could this be the girl attached to that ankle?
Ted: I got to see her ankles.
Robin: You're one of those? God, I swear, one in five guys...

Barney: It is super-weird between us, and I don't want it to be.
Robin: Me, neither.
Barney: So let me just say this. I'm done. You don't have to worry anymore.
Robin: What do you mean?
Barney: I'm done trying to get you. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to figure it out, but I promise... I'm done making a fool of myself.
Robin: Barney, you haven't been making a fool out of yourself.
Barney: It's okay. It's okay. I want it to be okay. So here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna get us two drinks, come back and comment on the likely size and color of the nipples on that redhead at the bar, with the big, dark nipples. And you're gonna be grossed out, but you're gonna laugh a little anyway, and then you'll tell a funny story about "that bitch Patrice" at work, but neither one of us are gonna say, "Hey, how's it going?" or "Good to see you!" Because it really will be good to see you. Think we can swing that?
Robin: Yeah, I do.
Barney: Badass.
Robin: [smiles] Huh.

Barney: You remembered all that?
Quinn: Well, yeah. I mean, you're more interesting than the lyrics to "Pour Some Sugar On Me" for the 8,000th time.
Barney: You know, it's funny. Almost every woman I've ever met was wrong to give me a chance. You're the first woman who's wrong not to.
Quinn: [to the barista] Large black coffee... and whatever he's having. It's on me.
Barney: The same. Thank you.
Quinn: You're welcome.
Barney: 1,700 more of these and we're even. Uh, the song just ended. That mean you got to get going?
Quinn: No. Do you have time to sit with me?
Barney: I don't know. You're wearing my watch.

Ted: "Say goodbye to the Empire State Building."
Lily: Bro.
Ted: What? Sometimes I go talk to her about life.
[fantasy of Ted talking to a wall:]
Ted: And I just hate the thought of leaving you, Empy, but my gut tells me my future's in Chicago. What do you think?
Man: [o.s.] You need to move.
Ted: Oh, my God. Really? Are you sure?
Police Officer: Yeah, I'm sure. You can't just stand there talking to a building and petting it. Wait, are you one of those freaks who's sexually attracted to buildings?
Ted: An objectophiliac? No way.
Police Officer: Then why do you know what they're called?
[present:]
Lily: Why do you know what they're called?