Wilson: So, what did the doctor say about Brad's knee?
Jill: He said it's 85 percent healed. There's a chance he'll hurt it again.
Wilson: Oh. So, I take it he's not gonna play?
Jill: He wants to. Tim wants him to. I'm just worried about serious damage. Do you think I'm being over-protective? Am I crazy?
Wilson: Well, no, you're not crazy to worry about Brad's health, but, to an athlete, sports are a microcosm of life, a battle of wills, a test of strength and character. Proving yourself as a man. Go, Conquistadores! See, I was co-captain of my high school chess team.
Jill: Not too many people get hurt playing chess.
Wilson: Well, that's not necessarily true. See, I dozed off once waiting for my opponent's next move, and the next thing I knew, I was impaled by a queen.

Jill: And your point would be what?
Wilson: Just that I understand why a young man like Brad would take a risk for a sport that he loves.
Jill: Well, so do I. But you know, what I'm worried about is I just don't feel like he's listening to his body. I didn't listen to my body for two years, and I ended up having to have a hysterectomy. I lost my uterus, the ovaries, the whole nine yards.
Wilson: Oh, that reminds me, I got to add onions.

Tim: Hey, Wilson.
Wilson: Well, hi-ho, Tim.
Tim: What are you doing?
Wilson: Just hosing off my rocks.
Tim: If your shower's broken, you can use ours.
Wilson: [chuckles] No. No, no, no, no, Tim. I'm washing the rocks that I gathered on my hiking trip to Whitefish Point.

Tim: Where's my can?
Wilson: The last time I looked it was below your back and above your knees.

Tim: After the final show, Binford was practically begging me to come back to work. They offered me more money, executive producer.
Wilson: So now you're thinking about staying? Please, Tim, do not toy with me like this. You people are wreaking havoc on my emotions!
Tim: Calm down. The decision is made. We're moving. It's just that they were dangling a pretty big carrot in front of me.
Wilson: Yeah, well, you gave that carrot up for Jill. She must've appreciated your generosity for that.
Tim: Uh, actually, she doesn't know about this. I don't want this to affect her decision, okay?
Wilson: You're a good man, Tim. I'm gonna miss having you as a neighbor.
Tim: You've been a good neighbor, too, Wilson. An odd one. [they shake hands through the fence] Hey.
Wilson: Yeah.

Wilson: But first I'd like to engage in some very basic acting exercises which will help rid you of your inhibitions. All right, now, everybody can stand. Stand. Stand. Stand up. Stand up. On your toesies. Tip, tip, tip. Up on your toes. Up on your toes. Put your arms at your side. Arms at the side. Now, flail your arms. Flail your arms. Flail, flail. Flail. Flail in the wind. Flail in the wind. Flail, Romeo. Flail, Romeo. Flail! Very good. Very good. Very good. Now... now I want you to close your eyes, close your eyes. Close your eyes and pretend you are a vegetable. You can be any vegetable. Any vegetable. You can be a carrot. You can be a turnip. You can be very ambitious - you can be a radish.
Sharon: Thanks a lot, Randy. I thought I was gonna be in a play, not in a salad.
Wilson: Now, next I want you to turn to the person next to you and give them a big hug. Oh, now, come on, come on. Give 'em a big hug. Be a good neighbor.
Todd: Hey! [hugs Randy]
Wilson: Very good. Very good.

Wilson: Well, what you're describing, Tim, is what Aristotle would call a "catharsis".
Tim: Catharsis. How do you spell that? C...
Wilson: Well, let's just say an emotional release, Tim.

Jill: Well, this week would qualify as a complete disaster. I just wish we could scale this thing back. But I can't ask Tim to do that after he's put all this effort into it.
Wilson: Well, why don't you present him with a petition signed by all his neighbors who are sleep-deprived?
Jill: Wilson, you know nobody in this neighborhood ever signs anything.
Wilson: Well, Jill, there's always a first time. [unfurls a petition]
Tim: [comes outside] All right, all right. I think I've got the inside sensors figured out. Hey, Wilson.
Wilson: Hey.
Tim: What do you got there?
Wilson: This is a petition from all the neighbors angry about your security system.
Tim: Joe Paduro? That guy lives, like, four blocks away.
Wilson: Well, I think he's still angry about being hit by the spaghetti.

Jill: Wilson, what are you doing?
Wilson: Well, I'm trying to black out my windows so I can finally get some sleep.
Jill: Insomnia?
Wilson: No, no, no. "Timsomnia."
Tim: [o.s.] Here they go!
Wilson: Do not look directly into the Jesus.

Wilson: So you said you heard noises in the kitchen?
Tim: No, in the basement.
Wilson: In the basement?
Tim: Yeah.
Wilson: You've been hearing all sorts of what, scratching noises?
Tim: No, kind of more of a rustling.
Wilson: Rustling?
Tim: Yeah.
Wilson: Mm-hmm-hmm. Tim, my boy, I don't think you have a problem with mice.
Tim: Great.
Wilson: No, it sounds like you might have a snake.
Tim: Oh, God!