Jill: Honey, I am freezing cold. Feel my hands.
Tim: Ooh, hey. I'll warm them. Slip them in the Taylor Toast-O-Matic oven. Those babies are colder than a witch's...
Jill: Tim.
Jill: You're watching this again?
Tim: This is destined to become a classic.
Jill: Is this the third time you've watched it?
Tim: It's got it all: action, drama, latex paint. And God I look good in that vest, don't I?

Jill: No, really, honey. I'm so cold. Would you go and check the furnace? Because I think the pilot light must be out.
Tim: You're saying lighting a pilot's a man's job?
Jill: No. I'm saying it's your job.
Tim: Look, you're afraid to go down into that deep, dark basement, aren't you?
Jill: No, I'm not afraid. I just don't like it, you know. When the furnace goes whoosh!

Jill: Honey, you have to do the furnace now because Mark's Scout troop is coming. And I don't want a house full of little frozen Cub-sicles.

Randy: What is it?
Tim: I think it's over there behind the boxes. Boy, I hope it's not that. It couldn't be.
Brad: What?
Tim: Yesterday, at the zoo... I read that a panther escaped.
Randy: Yeah, right, Dad.
Tim: I'm not kidding. Don't make any sudden moves. Just head toward the stairs. It could be anywhere. It could be...
[After Tim screams, Brad and Randy run up the stairs yelling]
Tim: [laughs] It's just a mouse or something, probably.
Randy: What if it's not a mouse? It could be a snake.
Tim: Hey, there's nothing funny about snakes. There's nothing funny about slimy reptiles. Nothing.
Brad: Hey, maybe it's a big, huge python.
Tim: Enough, enough. It's a mouse. A mouse. Of course, it could be a huge one that likes to eat little kids like you. [chases the kids]

Jill: It's a mouse. [jumps on a chair] God. A mouse with beady little eyes and toe-jammy little nails. [whimpers]
Tim: Jill, it's just a little innocent thing.
Jill: Tim, they are dirty. They carry disease. They eat garbage.
Tim: So do the boys. You're not afraid of them.
Jill: Yes, I am.
Tim: You hear that?
Jill: Tim, don't!
Tim: I thought I heard toe-jammy toenails...
Jill: Stop it. Stop it!
Tim: They're so little. They're so creepy. They run anywhere, right up people's backs.
Jill: Quit it! Just quit it.

Wilson: So you said you heard noises in the kitchen?
Tim: No, in the basement.
Wilson: In the basement?
Tim: Yeah.
Wilson: You've been hearing all sorts of what, scratching noises?
Tim: No, kind of more of a rustling.
Wilson: Rustling?
Tim: Yeah.
Wilson: Mm-hmm-hmm. Tim, my boy, I don't think you have a problem with mice.
Tim: Great.
Wilson: No, it sounds like you might have a snake.
Tim: Oh, God!

Jill: Snake?
Tim: Where?!
Jill: Oh, no! Oh. God, not a snake. That's a... Wait a minute. Didn't you tell me that you saw a mouse?
Tim: Well, I didn't see it in the visual sense.
Jill: Well, you jerk, you lied to me.
Tim: I didn't lie. I was kidding.
Jill: Kidding?

Randy: Dad, did you know the deadliest snake in the world is a carpet viper? It has enough poison to kill ten men.

Tim: You're telling me there's not a snake in this house?
Exterminator: Well, it probably moseyed on back outside. That happens nine times out of ten.
Tim: Nine times out of ten?
Exterminator: Uh-huh.
Jill: What happens the other time?
Exterminator: [chuckles] I tell you, it's funny. Those snakes... Yeah, they pop right up out of the strangest places. Boy, I could write a book. Golly. I've seen them curl up inside of teapots. Oh, there was one time... One time, popped right up out of the toilet. Of course, like I said, that's rare. Besides, you don't have anything to worry about. Judging from that skin your boy found, it's not poisonous. Well, I'll see you folks.

Tim: You all right?
Jimmy: I don't wanna die.
Tim: Oh, come here. You're not gonna die.
Jimmy: But I got the death card.
Tim: Forget the death card. I got two death cards today and I didn't die. They were teasing you.
Jimmy: But I'm scared.
Tim: Oh, boy. Come here. Everybody's scared of something.
Jimmy: Are you ever afraid?
Mark: My dad's never afraid. He's the bravest man in the whole world.
Tim: You guys, all of you, even brave guys get afraid. You know what a brave man does when he's afraid?
Jimmy: What?
Tim: He... He... He scares away fear. Jimmy, you gotta be scarier than fear itself. That's what you gotta do.