Brad: Hey, Mom. Did you and Dad buy a new car?
Jill: No. I bought a car. Your father doesn't know about it yet.
Brad: You bought a car all by yourself?
Mark: Without Dad?
Randy: You trying to kill him or something?
Jill: No, I'm not trying to kill him. He'll suffer for a little while but he'll get over it.
Brad: All right. Who gets custody of us?
Jill: I think you'll want to go with me when you see the new sports car in the garage.

Jill: Hi.
Tim: [mocking] Hi. Thanks for leaving me at the car lot. Luckily, Jerry gave me a ride to work. Al was nice enough to drive me home at his typical 15 miles per hour.
Jill: I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. I was angry.
Tim: Well, I was the one that got carried away. Your the one whose aunt died. I shouldn't have spoiled your fun.

Jill: Tim, what does any of that have to do with my car?
Tim: Well... I don't understand these kind of cars. If I don't understand it, you won't understand it. How do we know you didn't get a lemon?
Jill: No. I had it checked out by a British mechanic.
Tim: A British mechanic? What did he say, it was "ducky"?

Tim: [inner monologue] It does have a nice looking body on this. Good curves. I've had a lot of vehicles in my time, French, German, Italiano. But never British. Fits me like a glove. Nice feel on the clutch. Short throw on the gearbox. I gotta drive this car. If I only had the keys. Then I wouldn't have to hotwire it. What am I talking about? What kind of guy hotwires his wife's car? A guy like me.

Brad: Hey, Mark, hand me the sports section.
Mark: Here you go.
Randy: I don't believe it.
Brad: Lions won?
[Randy hands Brad the Metro section, the front page of which features picture of Tim giving a thumbs up in the Austin-Healey next to a story about the traffic jam]
Jill: Does anybody have the Metro section? I want to look at the weather.
Randy: Uh, we didn't get one today. I'm predicting cold with patchy fog.
Tim: We always get one. It's between classified and sports. [Randy hands the Metro section to Tim] But we didn't get one today, honey.

Tim: One day I'm gonna figure out how to suck the leaves off the tree. [Wilson chuckles] What are you doing over there?
Wilson: Well, Tim, I'm providing sustenance for my Annelida terra firma.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Wilson: I'm feeding my worms.
Tim: They like newspaper, huh? Probably love the gardening section.
Wilson: Well, actually, they seem to prefer the obituaries. [chuckles]
Tim: Don't quit your day job.

Tim: I'll be writing my obituary if I can't patch things up with Jill.
Wilson: Uh-oh. What's wrong now?
Tim: I promised her I wouldn't drive her new Austin-Healey.
Wilson: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I thought I saw a picture of you driving the Healey in the Metro section.
Tim: So did she. I can't figure it out. I get near her car, I take over.
Wilson: Uh-huh. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Same thing happened when Harry bought his truck and Al bought his Gremlin.
Tim: I love cars.
Wilson: Well, maybe you shouldn't love other people's cars so much.
Tim: That's my problem. I'm a man who loves too much. My love is hurting other people.
Wilson: So, I think maybe you should apologize to all the people you've wronged automotivally.
Tim: That could take years.
Wilson: Start with Jill.
Tim: That could take years.

Tim: It's also important to have a quality chemical extinguisher put in the house.
Al: That's right. Now, what if your extinguisher is empty and the fire is spreading?
Tim: Run like hell and hope you have good insurance.
Al: Binford has a better idea.
Tim: They always do, Al. Show us what they got.
Al: Introducing the Binford 6100 Home Fireman. Now, it taps right into your cold water line. And you want to be sure the main valve is in the off position when stored. [Tim turns the valve to on] Now, you got 40 feet of hose, double hose construction and a separate on/off switch right here. [man screaming] Oh!
Tim: That's perfect if you want to put out a cigarette or irritate a Teamster.

Jill: Well, they finally settled my Aunt Sharon's estate.
Brad: Cool. What's our cut?
Jill: Brad, don't be disrespectful.
Tim: Brad. What's our cut?
Jill: Oh, my God. It's $56,000!
Tim: She's giving us 56,000 smackaroonies?
Jill: Well, no, to me and my sisters.
Tim: Split it five ways? Ugh. lnheritance tax, probate costs, lawyer fees, tolls, tips, gratuities, who knows?
Jill: Well, how much do you think is gonna be left?
Tim: Well, put it this way. Your Aunt Sharon is not the only one going to end up in the hole.

Jill: Wow. It's not gonna be easy to go out and spend all this money on myself.
Tim: Spend it on me. At least it's going to a good cause.
Jill: There's a lot of things I could do with this money. I could go on a trip.
Tim: Yeah. We could go to Indy.
Jill: I could buy a lot of clothes.
Tim: You could wear them to Indy.
Jill: Would you forget about Indy?