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Up Your Alley

‘Up Your Alley’

Season 1, Episode 13 - Aired January 7, 1992

Tim and Jill get competitive when they spend family night at a bowling alley.

Quote from Tim

Jill: So, since we are bowling tonight, promise me you won't behave like an obnoxious jerk.
Tim: What kind of jerk would you like me to be?
Jill: You know what I mean. You're obsessed with winning. You're the most competitive person I know. And when you do win, you always do that obnoxious victory dance. "Na, na, na, na. I won. I won. I won."
Tim: Oh, you frighten me sometimes, honey. You're just doing that because you always lose.
Jill: Always lose? We only play once a year.
Tim: And you always lose. You can't help you're a lousy bowler, you're a woman.
Jill: Nothing gets by you, huh, Tim?
Tim: The point I'm trying to make is, it's not fair for women to compete with men. Heck, men - we're stronger, we throw the ball harder. Uh... We're stronger, so we throw the ball harder.
Jill: Well put, Tim.

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Quote from Jill

Tim: All right, we'll have fun. You'll have fun. We won't keep score. We won't compete.
Jill: All right.
Tim: Race you to the car.
Jill: No.
Tim: Come on, come on. In three. One...
Jill: This is stupid, I'm not doing it.
Tim: One, two...
Jill: Besides, your shoelace is untied. Three! [laughs]

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, what is this? I thought you said we weren't gonna keep score.
Tim: I'm just putting our names down so we'll know whose turn it is.
Jill: Well, there's only two of us playing, after my turn, whose turn is it?
Tim: I don't know. Let me check the sheet. Well, look at that. It's my turn.
Jill: Just shut up and bowl.

Quote from Randy

Randy: That guy was a dipwad.
Brad: No kidding, but why'd you give in? I was just getting ready to make my move.
Randy: Yeah, to the hospital.

Quote from Jill

Dwayne: Excuse me, ma'am, but you are an extraordinary bowler.
Jill: Oh, well, thank you, but I don't think I'm very extraordinary. It's just that my approach to the game is somewhat different than Tim's.
Pete: And better.
Dwayne: Me and Pete, we was wondering, what is your secret?
Jill: No, it sounds too stupid.
Tim: Oh, come on, honey, tell them.
Jill: Well, okay, I will. I know it sounds silly, but... when I approach the line. I always do this: "Ashes, ashes, we all fall down." [Tim repeatedly bangs his head on the table]

Quote from Rock

Rock: Mrs. Taylor, I'm terribly sorry to hear about your mother.
Jill: What about my mother?
Tim: Rock. Ix-nay on-thay eft-thay car-thay, please-ay.
Rock: Enough said, Timmy.

Quote from Tim

Tim: "Ashes, ashes, all fall down." [buzzing] Hey! Ten pins down, all fall down. Ten pins down. I get the crown.
I win. I win. I win. I win. I win. I win! I win. I win. I win. I win. I win!
Jill: Now, wait a minute, Tim. Now, I may be wrong. But doesn't that buzzer mean that's some kind of foul?
Tim: That means the game's over or something.
Rock: No, that's a foul.
Tim: That's only in tournament play.
Rock: Your strike doesn't count, buddy.
Jill: You mean I won?

Quote from Jill

Jill: Are you upset, Tim?
Tim: No, I had a lot of fun, Jill.
Jill: Well, that's good. That's good 'cause there's one thing that you could do that would really make me really happy.
Tim: What?
Jill: Well, you could take this old score sheet and you could just have it laminated! I won. I won. I won! I beat you. I beat you. I beat you! [puts her feet up on the table] You don't have to kiss 'em. You can just nuzzle them next to your cheek and whisper, "You're the best, Jill. You're the best"
Tim: You're the best, Jill. You're the best.

Quote from Tim

Jill: This is the most perfect night of my life. Nothing could ruin it.
Manager: Excuse me, excuse me. Are these your boys?
Tim: What did they do?
Manager: Well, they handcuffed a kid to a video game and they covered him with Silly String.
Tim: Oh, those aren't my boys.
Jill: I've never seen them before in my life.
Boys: Mom!

Quote from Mark

Brad: Dad, you always said we should stand up for ourselves.
Tim: That's a good idea normally but this time you got a big problem. That guy is free now, pretty angry, and still a lot bigger than you guys.
Mark: He's gonna destroy you guys. This will be great!

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