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'Twas the Night Before Chaos

‘'Twas the Night Before Chaos’

Season 4, Episode 12 -  Aired December 13, 1994

Jill tries to play peacemaker when her bickering parents, Colonel Patterson (M. Emmet Walsh) and Lilian (Polly Holliday), visit for the holidays. Meanwhile, Tim once again tries to win the Christmas lighting contest.

Quote from Jill

Colonel Patterson: Lillian? What are you doing up at 0600 hours?
Lillian: Well, I've been up all night. Who could sleep with the two of you stomping on the roof?
Colonel Patterson: Oh, it was worth it. We're gonna surprise the hell out of that navy butt doctor.
Lillian: Well, you must be exhausted. You never came to bed.
Colonel Patterson: I was so excited, I didn't think about the time. Did think of some other stuff, though. Like getting off my butt and out of the den.
Lillian: Where you gonna go? The living room?
Colonel Patterson: No. I realize I haven't been much fun to live with since I retired. What would you think about doing a little traveling? Maybe going to Italy.
Lillian: Well, I've always wanted to go to Italy. Especially Venice.
Colonel Patterson: Well, I'd like to take you.
Lillian: Oh, you would, huh?
Colonel Patterson: Yeah. We could... We could, you know, see the sights. Eat some pasta. Maybe go on a gondola ride.
Lillian: I thought you hated boats.
Colonel Patterson: A gondola's a boat?
Lillian: Oh, Fred!
Colonel Patterson: [kisses Lillian] Merry Christmas.
Lillian: I don't know what happened last night, but when we get back home, maybe you'd better spend more time on the roof.

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Quote from Jill

Jill: Daddy, I'm so happy. Looks like we're gonna have that perfect Christmas after all.
Colonel Patterson: You bet.
Jill: You know, I didn't think you were listening to me, but it seems like some of what I said sunk in.
Colonel Patterson: It wasn't you. It was "Hey, you."
Jill: Tim?
Colonel Patterson: You know, if you listen to what he has to say, he's not such an idiot.
Tim: [yells as he falls off the roof] Whoa! Help me out! Colonel! Colonel! I need a little help out here. Colonel!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Come on, they're coming. The judges are ready to look at the house.
Randy: Let's go see it.
Tim: All I'm missing is a real baby for the manger.
Nancy: He wouldn't really.
Jill: He would, but we're not gonna let him.
Tim: It's not like you don't have one to spare.

Quote from Tim

Lillian: This is what you spent all night on?
Jill: Well, I don't even see a manger.
Colonel Patterson: And they didn't see the Allies coming into Normandy either. And you know why?
Lillian: Why?
Colonel Patterson: Camouflage!
Tim: Watch.
Jill: Beautiful! But you know what? I still don't see a manger.
Tim: Oh, yeah? Watch this.
Jill: Wow! Oh, that is so cool! Look, it just raises up right out of... Tim, did you make a hole in our roof?
Tim: Oh, yeah. Just a little one. I'll repair it to... [it starts to snow] Tomorrow...
Jill: Oh, no!
Tim: [grunts] Uh-oh.

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, you know, I always wondered what I would look like frozen.
Tim: Just look in the mirror, Al. Well, actually, his belt's a little wide. Let me just take a little bit off that waist for you.
Al: Tim, do not touch frozen Al.
Tim: I know what I'm doing, Al.
Al: Oh, great! Now you've taken a chunk out of frozen Al.
Tim: Sorry. Don't worry about it, buddy.

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