‘'Twas the Night Before Chaos’
Season 4, Episode 12 - Aired December 13, 1994
Jill tries to play peacemaker when her bickering parents, Colonel Patterson (M. Emmet Walsh) and Lilian (Polly Holliday), visit for the holidays. Meanwhile, Tim once again tries to win the Christmas lighting contest.
Quote from Jill
Colonel Patterson: What are you doing? I was watching my favorite movie.
Jill: I hear that's what you spend most of your time doing now, watching old war movies.
Colonel Patterson: Oh, for cryin' out loud. Your mother been talking to you?
Jill: Dad, it's not uncommon when a man retires to go through something like this.
Colonel Patterson: Something like what?
Jill: Well, I think that you're experiencing a little bout of depression.
Colonel Patterson: You know, this is just like you. The second we walk through the door, you stick your nose in our business.
Jill: Now wait a second. I've been trying to stay out of this. The second you walked in, you started arguing.
Colonel Patterson: That's not true. We started arguing in Texas!
Jill: Well, it's 2,000 miles. You could have finished by Missouri.
Quote from Tim
Marty: Doc Johnson's amazing. I swear his Santa looks real.
Tim: Just put the binoculars down. Give me a hand with the Virgin Mary, will you? [hits Mary in the head with cardboard figure] I'm sorry, Marty. Are you all right?
Marty: I don't know. I'm still numb from when you beaned me with the pig.
Quote from Jill
Jill: I really blew it this time. I tried to talk to Dad about Mom and now he is really mad at me.
Tim: I thought we decided that you weren't gonna get involved.
Lillian: Young lady? Could I see you for a minute, please? I am so mad at you.
Jill: Great. Now they're both mad at me.
Tim: Congratulations! Two for two.
Quote from Jill
Lillian: Did you tell your father that I said he was depressing?
Jill: No, I didn't say he was depressing. I said he was depressed.
Lillian: He said that you said that I said he was depressing.
Jill: No, no. I said that he was exhibiting all the classic signs of depression.
Lillian: I don't think that one semester of psychology qualifies you to diagnose retired colonels.
Jill: Mom, I was just trying to help you get through to him.
Lillian: Well, I don't need you to help me to get through to my own husband.
Jill: Then why did you come to me complaining about him?
Lillian: I was just letting off steam. If you hadn't opened your mouth, your father and I could have just been mad at each other and had a perfectly lovely Christmas.
Quote from Jill
Jill: Wilson, I'm really having a problem.
Wilson: Oh. Experiencing a little seasonal stress, Jill?
Jill: Yeah. My dad is having trouble adjusting to retirement, it's driving my mother crazy, so I tried to help, and now they're mad at me.
Wilson: Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm. You got caught in the middle. That is a familial landmine, not to mention a Noel no-no.
Jill: Yeah. Ofcourse, Tim told me not to get involved...
Tim: Yes, I did.
Jill: But is it really such a bad thing for me to try to help my parents?
Tim: Yes, it was.
Jill: Shut up, Tim!
Quote from Tim
Wilson: Well, how about you, Tim? I think you would qualify as an objective third party.
Tim: Forget about it, Wilson. I'm the kind of guy that likes to stand his ground. [falls off the roof] Whoa-oa-oa-oa! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Wilson: You all right?
Tim: Oh, yeah. Oh... Yeah, I just was tired of using that ladder.
Quote from Randy
Randy: So, what did you get me for Christmas?
Brad: Why?
Randy: 'Cause I want to know if I got you the same thing you got me.
Brad: I didn't get you anything.
Randy: Same thing I got you.
Quote from Brad
Colonel Patterson: Those sticky buns are for breakfast tomorrow. You guys aren't sneaking any, are you?
Brad: [chuckles] No.
Colonel Patterson: Why not? Nobody's looking.
Quote from Tim
Colonel Patterson: No way we're gonna let a navy guy beat us.
Tim: All right. With your help, I think we can beat the old doctor.
Colonel Patterson: Now, let me see the enemy.
Tim: Watch your step. Across the street there, red brick, white trim. He's walking on the roof there.
Colonel Patterson: He's got so many things up there, I can't see which one is Doc Johnson.
Tim: He's the one wearing the rubber gloves.
Quote from Tim
Tim: Jill says you've been spending a lot of time in the den, and Lillian's not happy about it.
Colonel Patterson: Lillian doesn't understand how my life has changed. I used to command 2,000 troops, who worshiped the ground I walked on. Now I spend all my time with one woman who vacuums the ground I walk on.
Tim: Just because you're retired from the army, doesn't mean you're retired from life.
Colonel Patterson: I'm not retiring from life.
Tim: Well, you're retreating from your marriage.
Colonel Patterson: An army man never retreats.
Tim: What are you doing in the den all the time?
Colonel Patterson: I'm watching the story of the greatest military hero of all time.
Tim: How many scenes in that film do you see Patton in his den, sitting on his butt, looking for his remote?