Lillian: Jill? What are you doing there? Have you been eavesdropping on us?
Jill: No, I'm sleepwalking.
Colonel Patterson: You make coffee when you sleepwalk?
Jill: Yes. That way it's ready when I wake up.

Tim: Today's Tool Time isn't about a plaid lad's Christmas. Today's Tool Time is about a man's Christmas. And nothing says Christmas to a man like a block of ice and a Binford chainsaw.
Al: That's right. And today's special Tool Time guest uses a chainsaw to make beautiful ice sculptures.
Tim: That's right. Our guest, Chas Jensen, is here for the Plymouth International Ice Sculpting Spectacular. So let's give him a warm... Wait a minute. Let's give him a cool Tool Time welcome - Chas Jensen! Welcome to Tool Time.
Chas Jensen: Thank you, Tim.
Al: Chas.
Chas Jensen: Thank you, Al.
Al: Now, rumor has it that you can actually make a Christmas tree out of this block of ice in 30 seconds.
Chas Jensen: Yes, I can. Would you like me to demonstrate?
Tim: Well, we didn't invite you on the show to sing.
Chas Jensen: OK.
Al: You know, that is fabulous. However, the presents you put under it should be waterproof. [snorts]

Randy: Hey, hurry up, Mark, get outta there. I gotta go really bad.
Jill: Why don't you use your bathroom?
Randy: I can't. Aunt Nancy's in there giving the babies a bath.
Jill: Use ours.
Randy: Uncle Marty's in there, and he took five magazines with him.
Tim: Go get some of those stick matches. Whoo!

Jill: Tim? Will you please set the highchair up for lunch?
Tim: I'll just eat at the counter.
Jill: Oh, it's so great to have babies in the house again.
Tim: Yeah. There's nothing like a little projectile vomit to brighten up the holidays.

Jill: Mom, it's so wonderful to see you!
Lillian: It's amazing you're seeing us at all. Your father didn't use the turn signal once, all the way from Texas. Hello, dear. Hello, Tim.
Tim: Hi, Lillian.
Colonel Patterson: I didn't use the signal because there was no one behind me, Lillian.
Lillian: Then what was that truck that almost sideswiped us?
Colonel Patterson: He had no business being on the interstate, big truck like that.
Jill: Hi, Daddy.
Colonel Patterson: Hello, sweetheart. [to Tim] Hey, you.

Colonel Patterson: All right, men. Here's your mission. There is a vehicle in the driveway that needs unloading. Dismissed.
Brad: It's packed to the ceiling with presents.
Randy: Charge!
Lillian: That's another thing. Your father piled the presents up so high in the back seat, he couldn't even see out the window.
Colonel Patterson: Now, don't blame me. I wanted to put the presents in the front seat and you in the back.
Lillian: Well, that would have certainly made things more pleasant for me.
Tim: Oh, it's gonna be a perfect Christmas.
Jill: Would anybody like some eggnog?
Lillian: Oh, no. Your father can't eat eggs.
Colonel Patterson: I can eat eggs. I just don't know what the hell "nog" is.

Colonel Patterson: [to one of Marty's twins] If you're thinking about a career, think army.
Lillian: All he ever talks about is the army, the army, the army. You'd think he'd never retired.
Colonel Patterson: Never should have retired. After spending two days in a car with you, the Korean War was a picnic.
Lillian: Well, I really enjoyed my two days riding with you. Of course, I could've had more scintillating conversation with a crash dummy.
Colonel Patterson: You calling me a dummy?
Jill: Would you please just stop...
Tim: Jill?
Jill: ...standing there, so we can talk about Christmas lights? Tim is entering a contest. Tell them, honey.
Tim: I'm entering a contest.

Lillian: Oh, there they go. Don't stay out too long. When you get back, you can help me put the icing on my famous sticky buns.
Boys: All right, Grandma.
Lillian: Now, don't worry, Jill. You can go back on your diet after Christmas.
Jill: I'm not on a diet, Mom.
Lillian: Oh! Oh, oh, well. Then you don't have to worry at all.

Colonel Patterson: [o.s.] Lillian! Where'd you put my tape of Patton? I want to show it to the boys when they get back.
Lillian: I threw it out of the window in St. Louis.
Colonel Patterson: [o.s.] If you're serious, we're going back to get it!
Lillian: All right, all right. I'll find it.

Colonel Patterson: [to Marty's twins] Look, girls. There's General George S. Patton. He was the most powerful military leader in the world.
Randy: Phew! Speaking of powerful. I think one of those babies just dropped a bomb.
Nancy: There they are.
Colonel Patterson: Oh, they were crying, so I decided to calm 'em down by letting 'em watch Patton's invasion of North Africa.
Nancy: At home, we just put them to sleep with old tapes of Tool Time.
Jill: Whoa! Somebody's stinking up the joint over here.
Brad: Randy!
Jill: Boys? Boys, would you go upstairs for a while? I want to talk to Grandpa alone.
Mark: We're right in the middle of Patton.
Jill: Well, go upstairs and ask your grandma to act out the rest of it for you.