Heidi: [theme song plays] Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: Tool Time!
Heidi: That's right! Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Whoo! [applause]
Tim: Thank you, everybody. Thank you, Heidi. Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And you all know my assistant, Al Borland. [audience cheering] Well, we have a very big show for you today.
Al: Yes, we do.
Tim: We're doing our annual salute... [belch sound effect] ...to men. We're guys with flies. [grunts] We like our beer out of a bottle. [grunting] Our chili out of a can! [grunting] But there's nothing we like better than smoked Swedish salmon with a little juniper on there, huh? Or is it called "yuniper?"

Al: You park your pants... right here. And you hang the coat right there. And it's all ready for you in the morning.
Tim: What's ready for us now is our side rails and our dowels.
Al: That's right. I'm gonna start off by shaping our shoulder bar with the scroll saw.
Tim: After Al's done with that, we'll be shaping that shoulder bar in this steamer box. Get it into the right shape for us for our final preparations.
Al: OK. Now, notice my wide, rounded curves. [Tim looks Al's rear]
Tim: We'll be right back after these messages from Binford.

Tim: Welcome back to Tool Time. Al's shoulder piece is not quite ready in the steamer. But the clams are close. Mmm-mm-mm! Ooh, it's hot in there! Now it's time to move on to a segment of the show we call Man at His Leisure.
Al: Today we're gonna show you an outdoor leisure activity that's recently been brought inside: rock climbing.
Tim: And to tell us more about it is expert rock climber, Wilson Wilson, Junior.
Wilson: Hidy-ho, neighbor!
Tim: Thanks for dropping in, Wilson.
Wilson: Mm-hm.
Tim: Well, that's pretty complicated looking equipment. Am I gonna get to try this?
Wilson: Yes, indeedy, Tim. Now, what I'm going to do is to take this rope which is attached to your harness by means of a device we call the carabiner.
Tim: Now, they use these same things in sailing. Out there they gotta watch out for the Pirates of the Carabiner.

Wilson: Now, Tim, as you climb, make sure your hands and your toes are securely on your holes. And propel yourself upwards by using your legs thusly. OK, now I'm gonna take up the slack here, Tim. Now, I have got you. Nothing can happen.
Tim: All right. Ready?
Wilson: Yeah. Climb on.
Al: While Tim's climbing, Wilson, why don't you tell us something about your rock-climbing experiences?
Wilson: Well, Al, one of my favorites was when I was a park ranger working on Mount Rushmore and I was attempting to climb Abraham Lincoln's upper lip. Well, I faltered. But, luckily, I was able to save myself by gaining a toehold on his wart.
Tim: Boy, this is a lot of fun, Wilson! Can I get a little more rope?
Al: Well, Tim, you don't want to go too far off to the side. You don't want to get above your anchor.
Wilson: You know, Al's right, Tim. Should you let go...
Tim: Let go? [screaming] We'll be right back after these messages from Binford Tools.

Tim: Ouch! What happened out there? I almost killed myself. What was that camera doing over there?
Fred: It was taping the show. I had nothing to do with it.
Tim: Nice to have a producer who has "nothing to do with the show."
Fred: [chuckling] God, what a guy!
Tim: Why are you laughing? Why are you laughing? The Swedes aren't finding this amusing at all. We're dying out there.
Fred: No. Don't worry. The Swedes are gonna love Gadget Corner.
Tim: Yeah? If they don't, I'm blaming you.
Fred: As you should, my friend. [laughs] As you should.

Tim: Hey, Warren, Warren, Warren.
Warren: What?
Tim: Did you build that gadget I asked you to?
Wilson: Yeah, but I'm sure it's not gonna work.
Tim: Did you build it to my specifications?
Warren: That's why I'm sure it's not gonna work.

June: This is an automatic waffle maker. It releases the batter onto this griddle and sends the waffles down the conveyor belt where they come out right here... golden brown.
Tim: That's great, because I have designed a high-powered syrup dispenser to go along with this. Heidi, my Waffle Buddy, please.
Fred: Oh, no. Tim's made his own gadget. Code red. This is what we trained for, people. Go.
Tim: All right. This is CO2-powered, 25 PSI...
Fred: [on the phone] Yeah. Put the fire department and the paramedics on hold.
Tim: Now, watch this thing. All you do... It dispenses butter, syrup and, for our Swedish friends, lingonberry jam at the touch of a button. Just press here. There seems to be a little jam in my jam. Shake it a little bit... It's not working. [Tim covers his Swedish guests in jam]
Al: Yes, it is! Tim!
Al: [grunts] Oh, no.

Tim: Fred, I think we're losing these Swedes. The celebrity has to go through the roof. You get somebody?
Fred: I got somebody great.
Tim: Big name?
Fred: It's a long name.
Tim: What?
Director: Stand by.
Fred: Here's his bio. He's kind of an unsung hero.

Tim: Ha-ha. Welcome back to Tool Time. Every now and then we have a segment we call The Unsung Hero. Well, today's guest is just that. His name is Seymour Wonderfleffin. And, uh... So, Seymour... Let's give a big Tool Time welcome for Sy!
Tim: Uh, welcome to the show, Sy.
Sy: Pleasure to be here, Tim. Sy works at, um... ...the Department of Animal Control.
Al: So, are you the top dog? [Sy chuckles] The fat cat?
Sy: No, I'm just a regular guy who scrapes dead animals off the highway.

Al: Well, uh, do you have any hobbies?
Tim: Hobbies, yeah.
Sy: Well, I like to paint.
Tim: Paint? What do you like to paint, Sy?
Sy: Uh, still life.
Tim: All right, Sy. Well, if you think scraping dead animals off the road is a workout, wait till you see our next segment. We'll be back.