Randy: I don't know. One of those kids has been the lead in all the school plays.
Jill: But I'll bet that he doesn't come from a theatrical family.
Randy: I hate to break this to you, Mom, but Tool Time isn't exactly great theater. Even though it does usually end in tragedy.

Tim: So I should get a vasectomy?
Wilson: Oh, Tim, I can't tell you what to do. I do know if I had a vasectomy, I would not feel like any less of a man.
Tim: Well, if you had one, neither would l.

Jill: I know you don't want to go to Indiana.
Tim: It's not about me. It's about you. Do you want to give up this opportunity?
Jill: Yeah, I am. I don't want to leave my life here. I just can't imagine leaving this house.
[Tim turns towards the house and starts looking it up and down]
Tim: Well, if we ever decide to move, maybe we wouldn't have to leave the house.
Jill: What does that mean?
[fantasy: Tim and Jill are in the cab of a truck that's carrying their house:]
Jill: Are we gonna drive this thing the whole way?
Tim: No. Don't be ridiculous. There's faster ways to get there than by land.
Jill: Like what?
[fantasy: Their house is carried on a tugboat:]
Jill: [v.o.] I didn't know a tugboat could go this fast.
Tim: [v.o.] It can if it's got more power! [grunts]

Bud: See, Morgan feels all your show needs is explosion consistency.
Tim: What?
Bud: He wants you to blow up more stuff.
Morgan: Right. Whether it's an accident or not.
Tim: No, no. No. I'm not gonna stage explosions on Tool Time. I'm proud of the fact all the accidents on this show are a result of my legitimately stupid mistakes.

Dr. Hennessy: Well, look, Brad's knee should be around 85 percent by game time.
Tim: 85 percent! That's like a B-minus.
Brad: All right!
Jill: But 85 percent means that there's an increased chance that he'll get hurt.
Tim: Well, yeah... Yeah... But what if he only plays 85 percent of the time? That would eliminate the 15 percent chance of injury!
Brad: All right!
Jill: [to the puzzled Dr. Hennessy] Welcome to my world.

Tim: You know the important news? Bud has turned a good tool company into a fascist dictatorship.
Jill: So what, he's gonna declare war on Home Depot?
Tim: You know, this is serious. We're not allowed to use any tools on the set that don't have the Binford logo on them. And since Binford doesn't make any automotive tools, I can't do any car-related Tool Times.
Jill: That's ridiculous. I knew they were giving you problems down there. I didn't know they would go this far.
Tim: Oh, this is just the beginning. They start taking away your diagnostic equipment, the next thing you know your money looks different and you're waiting in line for vodka and toilet paper.

Wilson: Well, my drama department wanted me to rewrite my play. But I was very passionate about Walking Naked.
Jill: So, you refused to make any of the changes?
Wilson: No, no, no, no. Quite the opposite. I caved in, rewrote the whole play. It was a big success.
Jill: You must've been thrilled!
Wilson: Uh-uh. No, I felt terrible because I compromised the integrity of the play.
Jill: So, you think that I should just stick to what I wrote originally?
Wilson: You know, Jill, your name is gonna be on that thesis forever. Shouldn't it represent something that you truly believe in?
Jill: Yes, it should. You've given me a lot to think about. Thank you, Wilson. You're always so sensible.
Wilson: Well, my pleasure. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an old brown bat to seduce.

Jill: How do you feel about some killer chili? You want to stay for dinner?
Gregory: Sorry. I can't masticate in front of strangers.
Tim: Who can?

Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: Tool Time!
Heidi: That's right. Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! [theme music plays] Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! [theme music plays] Tim? Al? Where are you guys?
Tim: [on the phone] At Harry's hot line, we'd recommend some oil or grease on that.
Al: [on the phone] Well, how'd you get it in there?
Heidi: Tim!

Marty: Wilson, we're not making any money. What did Harry have that we don't?
Wilson: Well, people trusted Harry. He was the kind of guy who stood behind everything he sold. He'd do anything for a customer.
Tim: I'm that kind of guy.
Wilson: Well, I know that, Tim. But I'm not sure everybody else does.
Tim: Then, Marty, we gotta get the word out.
Marty: I know! We can print up flyers! Then we can get on our bikes and we can plaster them all over the neighborhood!
Tim: Yippie-yi-yo-ki-yay! Marty! Yeah! And then... Wait a minute... We'll sell lemonade in the driveway! And put cards in our spokes that go like this! We'll have big lollipops! And then we'll have a puppet show for all the rest of the kids in the neighborhood! What the hell's the matter with you?