Quote from Some Like It Hot Rod
Jill: Get in. See if it meets your approval.
Tim: Jill, this is the greatest gift you've ever given me.
Jill: I gave you three children.
Tim: Yeah, but none of them came out this clean.
Quote from The Naked Truth
Jill: What was it you were trying to say?
Tim: That's our song, right there. That's our song.
Jill: "La Cucaracha" is our song?
Tim: [sings] La cucaracha, la cucaracha
Nancy: Tim and I saw each other naked.
Tim: [sings] I didn't mean to, I thought it was you, la la la la la la! Hey, everybody, come on!
Quote from Sisters and Brothers
Tim: Just great. Look at the time, huh? Now it's off to work I go without my "hi-de-ho."
Quote from Her Cheatin' Mind
Jill: So, don't you have a poker game tonight?
Tim: You know, I thought I'd blow it off tonight.
Tim: In the hopes of joining the book group.
Jill: Tim, to participate in this book group you have to have read Madame Bovary.
Tim: Ah, yes! Flaubert's brilliant psychological profile... of a woman in search of transcendence.
Sharon: I think that's a very astute synopsis.
Tim: Well, I've always been a very astute synopsizer.
Quote from Jill's Surprise Party
Randy: Why throw Mom a 39th birthday party anyway? I thought 40 was the big one.
Tim: [whistles] Randy, Randy, Randy, Randy. You got a lot to learn about women. A woman's 40th birthday party is something she does not want to celebrate.
Randy: Why not?
Tim: Well, because at 40 a woman feels like she's, you know, getting old. And that puts her in a very bad mood for a very long time.
Brad: How long?
Tim: Generally, the rest of her life. You see, at that age women don't like their looks anymore. You know, they see their cheeks sagging, necks hanging... And before long, it's inevitable their entire face will cave right in.
Mark: Even a party can't cheer her up?
Tim: I'm sorry to say, Mark, there's not a party big enough to make a woman happy who has no face.
Quote from The Vasectomy One
Jill: Why don't you tell us what's involved in the procedure.
Tim: Yeah, I'm dying to hear this.
Dr. Kaplan: Well, the morning of your appointment, you'll have to shave in the area where I'll be making the incisions.
Tim: Shave? Here?
Dr. Kaplan: It's just a routine procedure.
Tim: Not in my house it's not. What do you think? I wake up, brush my teeth and shave ping and pong?
Jill: Well, you could go to a barber, but it might be a little awkward.
Quote from Clash of the Taylors
Tim: Hey, how was your bus ride?
Randy: Mom, I'm going to write my article.
Tim: You're not writing anything until you get the facts straight!
Randy: So, now you're telling me what I can and can't write? You're acting like some tyrannical fascist.
Tim: Did he just call me a dinosaur?
Quote from Losing My Religion
Tim: You know, there's a place where people get together and pray for God's protection.
Randy: Dad, I'm not going to church.
Tim: I was talking about Tool Time.
Quote from Chop Shop 'Til You Drop
Brad: You know, I can't believe this. I mean, there's nothing they can do about this?
Tim: I'm with Brad. Somebody's got to be held accountable for this.
Jill: You heard the officer. There's nothing they can do.
Tim: Well, maybe there's nothing they can do. There's something I can do. I'm the guy that delivered a baby after being crowned "Car Guy of the Year." The same night! I'm the guy that built a lawnmower that can do 12 seconds in the quarter mile. I'm the guy that put a barbecue grill into geosynchronous orbit. So, don't you tell me there's nothing we can do. I'm The Tool Man! I can fix anything!
Jill: Okay. Fine. Then zip up your fly and let's go.
Quote from Love's Labor Lost (Part 1)
Tim: Hold on a minute. It's very simple. If you were to cross-section a woman, inside, it looks like a moose head with antlers. And what they want to do is just remove the moose head part of that, and leave the antlers intact.
Tim: Illustration would be good, here. Think of your mom as a sink. She looks good on the outside, runs hot, runs cold, but she's having a little problem with the women plumbing department. Her disposal is stuck in the on position. She has to have it removed, because she hasn't seen a licensed plumber in two-and-a-half years. But, good news is, she doesn't really need the disposal anyway.
Mark: I'm gonna go look it up on the Internet.
Tim: Well, suit yourselves, fellas. But I don't think it can get any clearer than this.