Tim: We sound like a bunch of geezers.
Harry: Well, there's a very good reason for that.
All: We are.
Wilson: You know, I'm reminded of the English novelist Anthony Powell who said, "Getting old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you never committed."

Tim: Wilson, you want some?
Wilson: Oh, no chili for me. You know, I just got my cholesterol results. I wish my IQ was that high. Wait a second. It is.

Tim: You won't believe what happened to me today.
Jill: What?
Tim: Wayne County Community College called the set and wants me to teach a class.
Jill: How to Blow Yourself Up 101?
Tim: You know, these barbs draw blood sometimes.

Jill: How did your first class go?
Tim: It was great. So much energy. I love school.
Randy: And I think hell just froze over.
Tim: The two hours went by like that. They picked my brain clean.
Brad: What did you do for the other hour and 59 minutes?
Tim: [chuckles] I thought about what I was gonna buy with your allowance.

Wilson: So, Professor Tim, how was your first day in the world of academia?
Tim: It was great, Wilson. I have a really cool group of students.
Benny: Hey, during roll call was anyone named Seymour Butts?
Wilson: Or Jacques Strap?
Harry: Or Kay O'Pectate?
Tim: When was the last time you were ever on a campus, Harry?
Harry: Oh, let's see. I got out of 'Nam in '71, so that would make it... never.

Tim: Anybody want chili?
Benny: Is it spicy?
Tim: Could take the chrome off a bumper with this stuff.
Benny: I'll eat it. Extra onions.
Al: How could you digest that stuff?
Benny: I said I'd eat it. I never said I'd digest it.

Tim: No, it's actually a 12-week course in auto repair.
Jill: You'd be great teaching auto shop.
Tim: That's what the dean said. I don't know. What do I know about teaching?
Jill: Isn't that kind of what you do on Tool Time?
Tim: [chuckles] No. Tool Time is a veiled attempt at entertainment. Teaching is serious business. You're talking about kids' futures. If you don't prepare just right they're gonna heckle ya, throw spitwads at ya.
Jill: They don't do that stuff in college.
Tim: Want to bet?

Jill: Look, you're always saying that you want to give something back to the automotive community.
Tim: I give them 30 percent of my annual income already.
Jill: No, look. You'll finally get to share your knowledge of cars.
Tim: I share that knowledge with you guys all the time.
Jill: But now you'll be sharing it with someone who's interested.

Jill: I just gotta set up the table for your dad. He's running late. I hope he didn't forget about the poker game.
Randy: Dad forget about poker? It's like Mark forgetting to be a dork.
Mark: Or Randy forgetting to wear the color "puke."
Jill: Can we get through the rest of this evening without any more insults, do you think?
Brad: Mom, I'll drive to the movies. Geek-boy and Vomit-Shirt can sit in back.

Benny: Let's go, guys. I've got rent to pay.
Harry: You don't pay rent. You mooch off your aunt.
Benny: It was a figure of speech.
Tim: Right up there with, "My wallet's in the car."