Lucille: [to the boys] Wait. About that money...
Tim: I want you to deal with it responsibly, okay?
Lucille: Now, shut up, Tim. I want you to use it for something completely ridiculous or extremely bad for your teeth.
Tim: Mom, you never let us have junk food.
Lucille: That's because I was the mother. Now I'm the grandmother. This is the grand part.
Randy: That's why you're our favorite, Grandma.
Lucille: That won't get ya any more money.
Brad: You're also the prettiest grandma.
Lucille: That will get you another ten.
Tim: You're my favorite mother.
Lucille: Aw, Tim, sorry. All out of cash.

Tim: How's the golf game?
Lucille: Oh, not so good. You know, I think I may have torn some cartilage in my knee.
Jill: I'm sorry to hear that.
Tim: Oh, your knee's OK.
Lucille: No, I'm serious, Tim.
Tim: Yeah, you're just trying to hustle me out of money next time we play golf.
Lucille: Yeah, you're right, Tim. I spent $500 on X-rays just so I can con you out of a dollar at golf.
Tim: Very clever, but it's not gonna work.

Lucille: [doorbell rings] I'll get it.
Jill: [o.s.] Oh, thanks.
Mr. Leonard: Mrs. Taylor.
Lucille: Mr. Leonard. Oh, my God, what did Tim do now?
Mr. Leonard: My gosh, you look great. You haven't changed a bit.
Lucille: Well, you have. Your eyesight's slipping.

Tim: Hey, Mom, it's late, you're tired, you just got here. We're doing Tool Time tomorrow. You're going to wanna be peppy.
Lucille: Peppy? Tim, I may be getting old, but I think I've got enough pep to sit through Tool Time.
Jill: Don't be so sure. Younger people than you haven't been able to make it through.

Tim: This is just like you. We're trying to have a serious conversation, you make jokes.
Jill: Honey, if you're that upset, wait till she gets home and talk to her. Tell her how you feel.
Tim: I don't like talking about my feelings.
Jill: You do it with me all the time.
Tim: That's 'cause you make me.

Lucille: Well, I tried to talk to you earlier, and you didn't seem very interested.
Tim: I was interested.
Lucille: You didn't act that way. I told you I had a problem with my knee, and you made a big joke about it. Then I told you I was lonely in the house, and you started to imitate a parrot.
Tim: You used to like my imitations. Remember that monkey? Ooh-ooh-ooh.
Lucille: You're doing it again, Tim.
Tim: What am I doing again?
Lucille: When I try to tell you what's really going on with me, you don't wanna listen to me.
Tim: I wanna listen to you.
Lucille: You do the same thing every Sunday. I call, I try to have a real conversation and all you ever ask me is: "How's the Buick?"
Tim: I... We talk about other stuff. Are you having a problem with the Buick?
Lucille: Tim, there's a sign over your head that says, "Not getting it." Good night.
Tim: Good night. [looks up for the sign]

Lucille: Randy, what did you have?
Randy: I had an alfalfa shake, and then I threw up.
Lucille: Oh, nice touch.
Jill: So, where you guys going for breakfast?
Mark: Um, The Healthy Vegetable.
Lucille: Can we bring you something?
Jill: Um... A pint of mint chocolate chip.
Lucille: You got it.

Tim: It was your idea to have a conversation with my mom. It was a disaster. She says I'm incapable of having a real conversation. Can you believe that?
Jill: Yeah-huh.
Tim: What you mean, yeah-huh?
Jill: Well, every time she calls, all you do is ask her about the car and hand me the phone.
Tim: That's a real conversation.
Jill: Yeah, real lame one.

Tim: You know, my mother has nothing to complain about. I do more for her than the rest of my brothers combined. I fix her car. I drove 300 miles to put her storm windows in.
Jill: I know. I know. I think she just wants to connect on a more emotional level.
Tim: You know, people share their emotions in different ways. Some talk about their feelings with their mother, and some Scotchgard her sofa.
Jill: Well, Scotchgarding is a powerful way to show intimacy.
Tim: You got to admit, there's something different with her. She never used to dredge up old feelings. She kept them inside where they belong.
Jill: No, that's where ulcers belong. Look, I agree with you. I think she has changed. And evidently she wants to share some real moments with you.
Tim: Why?
Jill: Because that's how you feel close to people.
Tim: That's ridiculous. I've had plenty of close relationships with people that I've never shared a real moment with.

Lucille: OK. Enough of this kissy stuff. Shouldn't we be heading down to Tool Time?
Tim: Oh... yeah. I gotta write new stuff. I'm gonna lay off the jokes about Al's mom for a while.
Lucille: Oh, darn. I love those.
Tim: Let me ask you one thing that has been bugging me.
Lucille: Sure.
Tim: Is Marty your favorite?
Lucille: Yes.