Mark: Did you fight in Korea with my grandpa?
Colonel Adams: I would've been two years old.
Tim: So you would have been in the infantry?
Randy: "Infant-try." [both laugh]

Tim: Well... Then there was the time the colonel introduced my butt to the business end of a bayonet. Let me show you the puncture wound.

Jill: I don't remember that picture of us. Which base was that taken at?
Linda: Oh, that was Fort Hood. That was the base where Elvis was stationed.
Jill: Dad knew Elvis?
Linda: He was his commanding officer. Who do you think Hound Dog was written about?

Jill: Wait a minute. Is this Army mule the same one I'm holding in the picture?
Linda: Yes. That was your favorite. Don't you remember?
Jill: But it's all ratty. Why would Dad hold onto it all of these years?
Linda: To remind him of you. He always hated it that you had to live so far away.
Jill: Oh, Mom...
Linda: And then about five years ago, your father took that mascot and put it on top of the television set. And, ever since that time, Army has beaten Navy every football game.
Jill: So I guess I was kind of a good luck charm.
Linda: I guess you were.
Jill: Can I keep him?
Linda: I think your father would like that... provided you keep it on top of the television set.
Jill: Deal.

Tim: So there I was getting strip-searched by a colonel of the United States Army! At that point I knew I was a family member, I'll tell you that. Boy, that guy had big hands! Woo!

Jill: Well, congratulate me. I got my grades. 4.0 average!
Tim: That's great, honey!
Boys: Great. All right.
Jill: Tim, do you have any idea how satisfying it is to get straight A's? [off Tim's look] Sorry.
Tim: Congratulations.

Randy: Grandma's on the phone. She wants to talk to you.
Tim: Thanks. [on the phone] Hi, Lillian. No, Jill's not here. She's... ...out, you know, buying stuff to nurse her cold. What? Oh, my God! That's horrible, Lillian. How did it happen? Oh, you... How are you doing? Oh, boy! This is horrible news, Lillian. What can I do? Just tell... Yeah. Go ahead and call all of them. I'll have Jill call as soon she gets back. OK. Bye.
Wilson: Tim, what happened?
Tim: Jill's dad died.
Wilson: Oh, Tim. I'm so sorry.
Al: Oh, so am l. What... what happened? Was the colonel sick?
Tim: No. It was a heart attack. Sudden.
Heidi: That's awful. Poor Jill.
Tim: I'll have to take the family to Texas. You'll have to take care of Tool Time.
Al: Of course.
Tim: See you, guys.

Linda: This is Mr. Stillman, the funeral director.
Tracy: Hello.
Linda: My sisters Jill and Tracy.
Mr. Stillman: Welcome to our newly remodeled chapel featured in the June issue of Mortuaries Illustrated.
Linda: Was that the swimsuit issue?
Mr. Stillman: It's gonna be a lovely service. I know the colonel would have approved.
Jill: Oh, did you know our father?
Mr. Stillman: We feel we know all our guests in spirit.
Tracy: Your guests? What is this? The Bates Motel?
Mr. Stillman: Come in my office when you're ready. We'll talk about what Dad will be wearing.

Lillian: How are you feeling, honey? You look terrible.
Jill: Actually, I'm much better.
Lillian: Jill, you always were a terrible liar. Hmm. If you're sick, you're sick. Would you girls mind if I spend a moment with Jill?
Linda: Oh, sure. Sure, Mom. You spend your moment with Jill. We'll just go talk wardrobe with Mr. Sunshine.

Jill: Mom, how are you holding up?
Lillian: Oh, I'm hanging in there. But now, what about you? I hope all that traveling wasn't too hard on you, what with that flu and your ear infection.
Jill: No, really, Mom. I'm feeling much better now.
Lillian: You know, you always had a special place in your dad's heart.
Jill: I know. I know.
Lillian: He was really looking forward to that trip to see you.
Jill: He was?
Lillian: Oh, yes. But you were sick. And, of course, he understood. Now the irony is that you made the trip to see him.