Heidi: Hey, Wilson. I would love to have this antique cheese whipper.
Al: No fair. I saw it first. I'll give you twice the asking price.
Heidi: I'll double that.
Wilson: Well, that brings us up to 80 cents.
Al: I'm out.

Al: Boy, this really puts things in perspective!
Heidi: Yeah. Al, you take the cheese whipper.
Al: Oh, no, no. I couldn't possibly.
Heidi: No, really. I insist.
Al: Wilson, we can't accept this cheese whipper.

Jill: What an incredible day I had! I went to the modern art museum. Then I met Patty for lunch. We went shopping. We got herbal wraps. You cannot imagine how good I feel.
Tim: Your mom called a little while ago.
Jill: Oh, no. Let me guess. She's mad because I wouldn't let her come this weekend.
Tim: Honey...
Jill: What? Is something wrong?
Tim: ...it's about your dad.
Jill: My dad what?
Tim: He... he had a heart attack this morning. He didn't make it, honey.
Jill: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Tim: He fell asleep in that old recliner in the den and he never woke up. He didn't suffer at all.

Tim: Guys, you gotta get packed. How's the ironing going? [Brad holds up a blue shirt with an iron scorch mark around the collar] Hey, you can wear a wide tie.

Brad: I can't believe we're never gonna see Grandpa again.
Tim: Well, actually, we will get a chance to see Grandpa one more time.
Brad: An open casket? Geez, that's gross!
Randy: Oh, just think of it like an open house.
Tim: Some people think viewing the body gives them a chance to say goodbye to the deceased once more.
Brad: What if I don't want to look?
Tim: No one's gonna make you look. Nobody's gonna make me look.

Randy: Whoa! You know, I just thought of something. What if Mom had let Grandpa come here for the weekend and it happened here?
Brad: Yeah. He used to sleep in my room. He could've died in my bed!
Randy: Then you'd still have to sleep in it. Of course, you know, I'm sure Mom would flip the mattress.
Brad: Just knock it off!

Mark: You think this suit is too small?
Randy: No. Besides, it's real fashionable to show five inches of bare leg.
Mark: I just want to look good for the funeral.
Randy: Well, I got news for you... Grandpa's gonna look more lifelike.
Brad: Grandpa just died. Will you stop making jokes?
Tim: Gentlemen, come on, come on! Take him upstairs. See if that old brown suit of yours fits him, all right?

Lillian: Hi, girls. I... Oh, Jill.
Jill: Mom. [they hug] How are you doing?
Lillian: Oh, I'm better now that all my girls are here.
Tracy: Mom, I thought you were staying home because you didn't trust Robin and Carrie with the food.
Linda: Well, I finished all that and I came down here.
Tracy: Because you don't trust us with the funeral arrangements?
Lillian: It's not that I don't trust you. It's just that I trust myself more.

Jill: You guys should go into the kitchen and say hi to your aunts and your grandma.
Mark: Are they still gonna pinch us even though we're here for a funeral?
Tim: The sadder the occasion, the harder the pinching. See this scar? My dad's funeral. Aunt Winnie. She took a piece of my flesh right off there.
Tracy: [o.s.] Oh, look how you've grown!
Brad: [o.s.] Ow!

Tim: How are you doing?
Jill: You won't believe what's going on here.
Tim: Well, let me guess. Your mom thinks you're sick as a dog, so she's waiting on you hand and foot.
Jill: Tim, I have to tell her the truth.
Tim: Now is not a good time.
Jill: Why?
Tim: If she finds out you lied, it'll cast a pall over the whole funeral.
Jill: [laughs] I'm so glad you're here.