Al: really don't know if I should go through with this wedding.
Tim: What? No! Al... don't listen to this. This is all because of what we've been saying tonight?
Al: No. I don't... I don't take any of that seriously.
Tim: Is it because of what I said on Tool Time?
Al: I never take that seriously.

Jill: Al! Al! You always said Ilene was the best thing that happened to you.
Al: I know! I know that! But lately there's been some things about her that just get on my nerves.
Jill: Well, like what? What?
Al: Well... ...she's so darn... nice! You know, she never stands up for herself! She never gets angry! She never gets annoyed!
Tim: [to Jill] Kicking and screaming?
Al: I want somebody who is feisty! Somebody who is not afraid to look me in the eye and say, "Al, you've had way too much bacon bits!" I want somebody... somebody like Barbara Walters.
Tim: Barbara Walters?
Al: Oh, yeah. She's sassy.

Jill: Oh, Ilene, look at you. You're so beautiful. This is gonna be the most wonderful day of your life.
Ilene: I hope so because I really have the jitters.
Jill: Oh, that's just cold feet.
Ilene: Really?
Jill: Everybody feels that. You should've seen me on the morning of my wedding. My sisters literally had to drag me kicking...
Tim: Kicking and screaming.

Tim: Hey, guys. Are you sure this is what you want to do?
Ilene: I really think it's the best thing.
Jill: What about you, Al?
Al: Oh, yeah. I... l feel the same way. I... I just don't know how I'm gonna break it to mother.
Mrs. Borland [o.s.] Oh, no! Ho-ho! [thudding]
Tim: I think she knows.
Marty: I think somebody had better send for a forklift.
Al: Mother!

Wilson: You know, I myself had rather a Puritanical upbringing. My father was abstemious and he abhorred the salacious bon mot.
Benny: I know he's speaking English because I understood the word "father."

Benny: Boy, Al! I never thought I'd see the day when you took the fatal plunge.
Marty: Aw, come on! I wouldn't call it a plunge.
Tim: Marty, what would you call it?
Marty: More like a slow agonizing death.

Tim: You know, Al, we make a lot of jokes about marriage. And the truth is when you find the right person, there's nothing quite like it. Here.. here's to my best friend, Al Borland. [guys cheer] Let's not forget the bride-to-be, Dr. Ilene Louise Markham... "hyphen-hyphen!"
All: "Hyphen-hyphen."
Benny: "Hyphen," is that a Ukrainian name?

Tim: Here. Open mine first. You've been waiting for this for a long time, Al.
Al: An oven-ready casserole set?
Tim: Loosen your girdle, will ya, fella? This isn't a bridal shower with women oohing and ahhing over girlie gifts.
Al: Ooh, a demolition hammer! Ooh! Ahh! [grunts]
Tim: With a three-quarter-inch X-shank.
All: Ahh!
Harry: It's the kind of thing you never buy for yourself.
Wilson: That is so stunning.
Marty: And in such good taste.
Benny: It's so slimming.
Al: This is exactly why I registered at Sears! I just...l just love it!

Al: If I go through with this, it could be the biggest mistake of my life.
Tim: [sighs] This is... this is... this is not like you, Al, um... you shouldn't be drinking that. It's just that brown liquor talking. How many of those have you had?
Al: If I finish this...
Tim: If you finish that one.
Al: One.

Jill: Al, the wedding is tomorrow. Honey, you've gotta go home and give this some serious thought.
Tim: This is a decision that'll affect the rest of your life.
Jill: And Ilene's.
Al: I know. l... you're right. I guess I have to go home and decide whether... whether there is something really deep between us, or if it's just wild, unbridled sex! [exits]
[Tim and Jill shudder and groan]