Jill: You think I'm reading too much into this?
Wilson: Yes, I do.
Jill: So basically I just screwed up.
Wilson: Yes, you did.
Jill: Yeah. You're probably right. Tim just accused me of not being able to admit it when I'm wrong. I do have a tendency to, you know, just pass blame on to other people. Of course, Tim was the one who didn't move the hot rod out of the garage, not to mention the fact that he went to a party. And then Brad and Randy went to a game and...
Wilson: Jill. Jill.
Jill: [grunts] I'm doing it again. Right. Thanks, Wilson.

Tim: The guy's gonna be here in 15 minutes. I am dead.
Al: I gotta go.
Tim: No, stick around, Al.
Al: No. I mean I gotta go. [walks into the backyard]
Tim: We've got a bathroom in the house, Al!

Tim: I gotta go and tweak some stuff out.
Jill: No, wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait! Um... Tell me some more about this man.
Tim: What man?
Jill: This editor. How old is he?
Tim: I don't know.
Jill: Where was he born?
Tim: I don't know, New Jersey.
Jill: What kind of books and movies does he like?
Tim: Books and movies?
Jill: A guy like that...
Tim: Well, who would know?
Jill: What kind of books and movies do you like?
Tim: What difference does that make?

Tim: Hey. It's good. What do you call this?
Al: Ham and cheese. The trick is, though, to add a little dill to your mustard.
Tim: Al, you live life on the edge.
Al: You know, Tim, I don't want you to get the wrong impression about my relationship with my mother. Yes, we've had some difficult moments, and, yes, she can be overbearing - suffocating, really - but she means well. However, she does have a pretty tart tongue.
[When Al hears Tim snoring, he grabs Tim's half of the sandwich, takes a bite, and puts it back in Tim's hand]

Tim: Whoa!
Jill: Hi, honey.
Tim: The car looks dry.
Jill: It's dry as a bone.
Tim: How'd you do this?
Jill: [holds up hair dryers] I'm packing heat. I even conditioned the leather.
Tim: Oh!
Jill: I came down in the middle of the night and saw you two sleeping on the couch with little pieces of dill stuck to your lips. It was very cute. I didn't have the heart to wake you so I just decided that I would finish it all myself.
Tim: I can't believe you did this.
Jill: Well, after all, it was my fault.
Tim: I don't know, I think I must have some dill in my ear. Could you say that a bit louder?
Jill: Don't push your luck.

Al: Thank you and welcome back to our segment on stain removal.
Tim: When talking about stains, most people think of stains in clothes - food, grease...
Al: And the kind Tim is most familiar with, bloodstains.
Tim: Oh. Speaking of stains, what is that? [Tim flicks Al's nose as he looks down] Ting!
Al: I can't believe I fell for that. That's the oldest trick in the book.
Tim: No, no, no, Al. [taps Al on his left shoulder] That is the oldest trick in the book.

Tim: All right. We're not talking about ordinary stains around the house that your wife can get out with cotton balls and club soda, we're talking about man-sized stains. [grunts]
Al: That's right. Soot and grime that gets on the outside of buildings. For stains like these, you need better remedies - steam, sandblasters, solvents, high-pressure washers.
Tim: Larry, follow Al and me outside.
Al: That's right. We're gonna use high pressure to get the soot and grime off our building.
Tim: That's right. We're gonna be removing some graffiti. Hi, Chrissy.
Al: Actually, Tim, there's no graffiti on our building.
Tim: There is now. Now, remember, Al, I did this to show the audience how to remove graffiti, OK? Heidi, do you think the pressure washer will take it off?
Heidi: I sure hope so, for Al's sake.
Al: "Al is a gal"? Why are you calling me a gal?
Tim: 'Cause it rhymes with Al. And I couldn't remember if weenie ended with y or ie.
Al: All right, enough is enough. I am tired of being embarrassed all the time.
Tim: Look at your fly. [Al looks down] Got you again!

Tim: Hey, that's our favorite Christmas carol. "The Little Engine Boy."
Tim, Brad & Randy: [sing] Vroom vroom vroom vroom vroom.

Jill: I'll never forget my fourth grade Christmas play. I memorized all my lines months in advance. I was so excited. I got to be Mary.
Mark: Bet you were great.
Jill: Oh, I was, I was. I had the audience eating out of the palm of my hand, until I threw up all over the three wise men.

Mark: Mom, we better clean this up before Dad gets home.
Jill: Look, it's just snow. Snow is water, water is wet. Anything wet can be dried.
Randy: Why don't you just throw it in the dryer and set it on auto?