Maitre 'D : Buon giorno.
Tim: No, Taylor. Tim Taylor. It's unbelievable how many guys think I'm this Buongiorno guy.
Jill: Amazing coincidence.
Maitre 'D : Ah, your table is ready. Antonio will be your waiter.
Tim: Thank you.
Antonio: Buon giorno.
Tim: I must be the guy's twin.

Antonio: Sir, would you care to see our wine list?
Tim: You bet I would.
Antonio: Perhaps I can interest you in the Brunello di Malticino?
Tim: Is that the price per bottle or for the vineyard?
Antonio: Perhaps you'd be interested in something a little more modest?
Tim: Maybe with a twist-off.
Antonio: In that case, may I offer you a soda? We have a root beer that's quite amusing.
Tim: And a waiter who's not. How about just two nice glasses of your house white?
Antonio: Very good, sir.

Tim: Mr. Leonard's here with another woman.
Jill: Well, it's probably his daughter.
Tim: That would make him 195 years old.
Jill: Well, maybe it's his sister.
Tim: They were kissing on the lips.
Jill: Lots of families kiss on the lips.
Tim: Yeah. The families from Deliverance.

Jill: Tim, don't jump to any conclusions. You know what kind of man Mr. Leonard is. [sees Mr. Leonard kissing the woman] A dirty, rotten, two-timing rat!
Antonio: Would you like your wine served in the planter?
Tim: We were just admiring the greenery. What are these called?
Antonio: Plants. Might I tell you about the specials tonight?
Tim: How can you think of food at a time like this?
Antonio: Perhaps because this is a restaurant?

Jill: This is so depressing.
Tim: Tell me about it. I've looked up to that man since I was a little kid. He said all those romantic things to Mom. What'd he call her?
Jill: A peach in a little red wagon.
Tim: Probably calling her a kumquat in a little blue tractor. Here they come! Hide!
Jill: Where?
Tim: Under the table! [they get under the table]
Antonio: [looks under the table] Would you like to hear the specials now?

Antonio: May I interest you in some dessert?
Jill: Ooh, we'd love dessert.
Antonio: We have a delicious Crème brûlée.
Tim: [sees Mr. Leonard] I don't believe this guy!
Antonio: All right, it's a little bland. But the chocolate mousse is excellent.
Jill: You can't believe a word the man says.
Antonio: All right. The lemon tart. I swear by it.

Tim: Hey, Art.
Mr. Leonard: Well, hello, Timmy.
Tim: What the heck's going on here? You have a lot of nerve.
Mr. Leonard: Careful, Tim.
Tim: She's half your age, buddy! You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Mr. Leonard: Tim, I'd like you to meet my daughter.
Tim: Well, of course it's your daughter. She's half your age. [laughs] It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm just going to slip back to my table and finish my other foot.

Tim: Why don't we tell everyone what we're going to do this week.
Mr. Leonard: Oh, sure. OK. First I'll be showing you how to frame with steel. Then how to install aluminum gutters, and then we'll talk about flashing on your roof.
Tim: Which is better than where he usually does it out there in the street.
Mr. Leonard: Do you remember when you used to make cracks like that in class?
Tim: Yeah. Yeah. You used to give me that "shut up and wait in the hall" look. Is he looking at me right now?
Tim: OK, I'll stand in the hall.
Mr. Leonard: Oh, come on. Get back here.
Al: When I was in school, I never spoke until I was called on.
Mr. Leonard: Did I call on you?
Al: No.

Brad: Mom, someone's gotta take that perfume away from Grandma. The whole upstairs reeks.
Jill: She wants to smell pretty for her date with Mr. Leonard.
Brad: Grandma's going out on a date? Isn't she a little old for that?
Jill: Brad, your social life doesn't end just because you're a senior citizen.
Brad: I guess you'll find out in a couple years.
Jill: You do know that the oldest son has to feed and bathe his mother.
Brad: [shudders] Gross!

Tim: The whole upstairs stinks!
Jill: It's just your mother's perfume.
Tim: Why do you women think that we want you to smell like flowers?
Jill: What do you want us to smell like?
Tim: Cigars. If you want to attract a man, spray on a little Essence of Stogie.