Tim: Al, what's the matter with you?
Al: What?
Tim: She invited you over. She doesn't want to bake a cake. She wants to sample the Al dessert tray.
Al: I know that, Tim. It's just that she's on the rebound. She's vulnerable. I don't wanna take advantage of that.
Tim: Oh, Al. It's not like a beautiful woman stops by your apartment every day.
Al: Actually, she does.

Tim: Hey, partner, I'll tell you what. Why don't we go down to Big Mike's, get ourselves some burgers, have a beer?
Al: Well, no, oh, no, no. Listen, this is our first night together.
Tim: Come on, partner. They've got that big widescreen TV they just put in.
Al: Well, I... I've got a roast in the Crockpot and I have some great entertainment lined up. I have a... I have a tape that I think you're going to like.
Tim: Road Runner? Terminator? Stooges?
Al: Even better. [home video plays] Do you recognize the little boy?
Tim: It's you.
Al: That's me, yes! That's me at three! My mother has 17 years of me growing up and she put them all on twelve eight-hour tapes. I have practically my whole life here for you to see.

Jill: Poor baby. You look exhausted.
Tim: Oh, I don't think I've slept for 20 minutes. You've never heard snoring like that.
Jill: Wanna bet?
Tim: I don't snore.
Jill: Then you've got a propeller up your nose.
Tim: He says he doesn't snore either. I got proof. I wasn't sleeping anyway, so I taped him.

Tim: Cynthia. Cynthia. Hello? The reason I'm staying here is 'cause one of my kids has chickenpox and I haven't had it.
Cynthia: Oh, you're married?
Tim: Yes.
Cynthia: To a woman?
Tim: Yes. Cut it out. This has nothing to do with him and I. He's not attracted to me or men. As a matter of fact, it's not my place to say it, but he's attracted to you.
Cynthia: Then why does he keep rejecting me?
Tim: I really shouldn't be saying this, but it's because he respects you and he wants to get to know you better.
Cynthia: Really?
Tim: Al is a tremendously sensitive man. And underneath all that flannel is a really big heart.

Tim: I'm sure he doesn't want me to tell you this, but without Al, I couldn't do Tool Time. Well, I could, but it'd be tough.
Cynthia: Tool Time is your show?
Tim: Tool Time is our show.
Al: Thanks, Tim.

Tim: Did you get up?
Jill: No. Did you?
Tim: Let's just stay here. [kisses Jill] Mmm. It's much better kissing you. Al's beard was so scratchy. At least you shave. [snores]

Tim: Al, as you know, it's Auto Week here on Tool Time. And we're celebrating our salute... to lubricants. That's right. Transmission fluid, grease, oil, gunk. Al, do you suppose if Ricky Ricardo, from the old Lucy Show. [grunts] had oil, he would have called it a "babaloobricant"?
Al: They're getting worse, Tim.
Tim: Yeah.