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Roomie for Improvement

‘Roomie for Improvement’

Season 2, Episode 7 -  Aired November 4, 1992

When Mark comes down with the chicken pox, Tim reluctantly stays with Al in his apartment.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Hi, honey. Is this the jacket you wanted? [Tim hugs Jill and groans] I guess I should kick you out of the house more often, huh?
Tim: If I ever say it's hard living with you, just say one word. Al!
Jill: It's that bad, huh?
Tim: His mother recorded his whole life on videotape. Last night it was three hours of "Muskie fishing with Uncle Phil."
Jill: Urgh.
Tim: Do you know that in the seventh grade he built a replica of the Washington Monument with Popsicle sticks?
Jill: Well, lots of kids do stuff like that.
Tim: It was life-sized! Last night it was "Al - The Early Years." Tonight... "Puberty. Starring Al."

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Quote from Tim

Tim: We're pretty darn excited here at Tool Time. To wrap up Auto Week, I've invited some very special guests here. We caught 'em at Michigan International Speedway trying out a new motor for their racecar. Please welcome the superstar father-son racing team of Mario and Michael Andretti. Come on, fellas. Thank you. Why don't you guys take a seat? Let's talk about racing. Man and machine. Man and machine - the ultimate relationship.
Al: 'Course, not as important as the father-and-son relationship.
Tim: Or the sucking-up-to-the-guests relationship. Let's talk about racecars for a minute. This is what every man dreams about at night.
Al: It's what I dream about, Tim.
Tim: That blows that theory.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Tell me, Mario, what's the toughest thing about taking a racecar around a track at 180mph?
Mario Andretti: Adjusting the radio.
Al: [laughs] That's a good one, Mario. You know, I've read that the smell of the tires can tell you if you're pushing your car too hard. Al, I think maybe you should let the guests talk.
Michael Andretti: But, Tim, Al is right.
Al: Thank you, Michael. Hm, hm, hm, hm.
Tim: Well, we all know about the smell thing. What about the hearing thing, Al? You know about that? Go ahead, Michael. Tell him about the hearing thing.
Michael Andretti: What hearing thing?
Tim: You know, when you listen to the hum of the motor so you know precisely when to shift.
Mario Andretti: Excellent point, Tim.
Tim: Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Anyway, I've got a little test I got here today that could be kinda fun. I had our sound man, Klaus, put together some engine sounds. We're gonna play the engine sounds back and see if these professionals can tell us which engine's which. You guys wanna play?
Mario Andretti: Sure.
Michael Andretti: Let's do it.
Al: We're ready.
Tim: You're not playing, Al. Take your hands off the guests. OK, Klaus, if you will, that first engine. [engine sound] Anybody?
Michael Andretti: That'd be a Ford five-liter V-eight.
Tim: Right on the money, yeah. Well, let's see if daddy-o here is as smart as his boy. All right, Mario, it's your chance. Klaus, second motor. [engine sound]
Mario Andretti: Two-liter Alpha Romeo Spider engine.
Tim: Bull's-eye. Bull's-eye! Unbelievable. Bravo!
Al: You know, for a moment there I thought it was the three-liter.
Mario Andretti: Actually, so did I. Hey, you're pretty good. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't mind having you on my pit crew.
Tim: Hey, what about me?
Mario Andretti: I wouldn't mind having you on Danny Sullivan's pit crew.
Al: Another good one, Mario.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, since Al sounds like he knows so much, why don't we invite Al to play this last and final round, all right?
Audience: [cheer] Yeah.
Al: My pleasure.
Tim: OK. Klaus, that third engine, please. [snoring]
Mario Andretti: I don't know what that is. Sounds pretty rough.
Al: Yes. Sounds like there's an obstruction in the carburetor.
Tim: Well, you're both close. That's Al snoring. I taped that last night.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Are you upset about something?
Al: You just embarrassed me in front of two people that I happen to most idolize.
Tim: Me and who else?
Tim: Is this about the snoring gag? The crowd loved it. It was real funny.
Al: Tim, it's very difficult to go through life with a deviated septum.
Tim: It could be worse. You could be working at the circus as "Al, the Donkey Boy."
Al: Tim, I... I opened up my life to you and you used that to hurt me. The whole reason I wanted you to come over here was so we could get to know each other better as people, and I thought maybe that would make us better friends.
Tim: And you don't think that happened?

Quote from Tim

Cynthia: Al, Tim said some really sweet things about you.
Tim: And I didn't even tell her all of 'em. Remember that time at work? We had the lathe going. I got my tie in it.
Al: Tim.
Tim: No thought of his safety, yanks me out, saves my life. And the router, the router. We had a router going. The safety broke...
Al: Tim...
Tim: He goes over the table. He saves my life pulling the plug out.
Cynthia: Really?
Tim: And there's more. Do you remember the time you jumped in front of that speeding semi-truck...
Al: Tim.
Tim: ...and saved the elderly nun?
Cynthia: You did?
Al: Cynthia, the story about the nun is nothing... that I usually talk about.

Quote from Jill

Tim: I can't get sick. The Andrettis are gonna be on Tool Time. I'll go to my mom's. No, no. A hotel!
Jill: Well, check with Al before you do anything else.
Tim: Why?
Jill: When I called to warn you about that, he said that you could stay at his apartment.
Tim: Stay with Al. That's a good one.
Jill: Well, I told him that you'd get back to him.
Tim: You didn't just say no?
Jill: Well, I didn't know what to say. He was really being sweet. He called you his roomie.
Tim: Oh, man.
Jill: Well, you know, he said he wanted to do something nice because of that lubricant thing that he did to you - and please don't explain that.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Al wants me to stay at his apartment. And I really don't want to. But if... if I say no, I'm gonna hurt his feelings, and I don't want to do that, so I guess I'm gonna have to stay there, right?
Wilson: Well, Tim. Your feelings are important too, right?
Tim: Yeah.
Wilson: Well, then you should tell Al exactly how you feel. You know what they say, "Honesty is the best policy."
Tim: All right, all right, all right. I'll just tell him the truth. I mean, guys don't lie to each other. I'll just say I don't want to stay there. He'll understand that. Thanks, Wilson.

Quote from Tim

Al: Tim! Hi, Tim!
Tim: Al? What are you doing here?
Al: Talk about timing. I was just coming up the driveway and Jill was coming down with your bags, so I put them in my station wagon out front.
Tim: I really appreciate that, Al, but I...
Al: Oh, and here, I... I-I had this made specially for you, this key. It's got your initials on it.
Tim: Al, I don't wanna stay with you. I mean, I don't wanna stay with you for very long. I don't wanna overstay my welcome, you know, become a burden.
Al: Oh, well, it's no burden. Come on, roomie.

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