Tim: Specialty Tool Week here on Tool Time. We're doing our salute... to salutes. [salutes like crazy]
Al: Tim. Could we...?
Tim: We bet we could, fella. Actually, we're doin' our salute to Binford's new line of tools just for the ladies.
Al: Like this. Binford's lightweight Lady Binford drill. It's 30% lighter, which every woman likes in a tool.
Tim: As well as herself.
Tim: Well, these tools are fine for home, but what about a woman out on a formal affair?
Al: Ah, well, for that, we recommend Binford's Gal on the Go evening bag. Heidi?
Audience: Whooh!
Tim: As you can see, sequins on the outside, tools on the inside.
Al: A broken heel? Not a problem. You have a small hammer with nails. Problem zipper? Not a problem. You have a set of pliers. Unsightly nose hair? Not a problem. Needle nose pliers. But let's face it, ladies, if you have unsightly nose hair, you're not invited out to many formal affairs anyway. Thank you, Heidi.
Heidi: Thank you, Tim.
Tim: But what about the woman that's not good with tools in general? For that, we recommend "The Tool Man" in a Tote. One quick pull... [A blow-up version of Tim inflates]

Brad: Hey, Randy, wanna play some catch?
Randy: I can't. I'm doing my homework.
Brad: "Dear Molly..."
Randy: Hey, get out of here. I don't want you reading my homework.
Brad: It doesn't look like homework to me. "When I think of kissing you, my heart beats like a symphony."
Randy: It's for music class.
Brad: Oh, yeah? Then who's Molly?
Randy: Well, that shows how much you know. Molly is a musical instrument. [clears throat]

Brad: You know what I think? I think you've got a new girlfriend. Who is she?
Randy: Will you promise not to tell anybody?
Brad: She's that ugly?

Brad: What's that?
Randy: It's one of Dad's old love letters he wrote to Mom. They go over really great. "My darling, I wish you had been here this weekend to share one of the most exciting moments of my life: Two-for-One Day at Sears."

Mark: I'm making a solar system for my science project.
Tim: Science project? You know, I helped Randy make that volcano.
Mark: He got a D.

Jill: Tim... I think that Mark is smart enough to handle this project by himself.
Tim: Jill... I think it'd be a lot more fun if we did it together.
Jill: I don't want you taking it over.
Tim: There's nothing wrong with a father helping his son with a science project. My father helped me.
Jill: That was for the safety of the neighborhood.

Jill: Mark is never gonna learn anything if he doesn't do his own work.
Mark: That's right, Dad.
Tim: You stay out of this. This is between your mother and me.
Jill: Tim!
Tim: OK. I'll just watch. I'll guide him. What have you got planned for that solar system?
Mark: Well, the plan was to hang a bunch of Styrofoam balls on wires.
Tim: You can't just hang 'em on wires. First, you gotta get the right proportions for the planets. Then the right distance from the sun - that is perfect, there.
Mark: Dad, I thought you were just gonna watch.
Tim: I am. I'm just tellin' you what I wanna see.

Molly: I'm Molly.
Tim: Good golly. [Molly laughs] [to Jill:] This is Molly.
Molly: And who are you?
Jill: I'm Tim's wife, Jill.
Molly: Who's Tim?
Jill: The man you're holding hands with.
Molly: Oh! I'm sorry. I thought you were Randy.
Tim: We've a 12-year-old boy named Randy.
Molly: 12? No, the Randy Taylor I've been corresponding with over the computer is a dermatologist.
Tim: Honey, has Randy been skipping the sixth grade and going to medical school again?

Molly: Oh, I can't believe I have been corresponding with a 12-year-old.
Jill: Well, he's very mature for his age.
Molly: Yeah! You're not kidding! His letters were very romantic. And funny. The only really strange thing was his obsession with Sears.
Tim: There's nothing wrong with that.
Molly: You know, he said my wit was "as sharp as a radial arm saw," and he compared the glow of the moon to...
Jill: The headlights of a 1957 Buick Roadmaster convertible?
Molly: How did you know that?
Jill: Tim wrote that to me in a letter.
Tim: I did? That's good!
Jill: Randy's been copying your old love letters!

Jill: Oh, Molly, I am so sorry.
Molly: Nah, it's OK. I was in town on business anyway. Besides, he's just a kid. I wouldn't be too hard on him.
Tim: Well, you're not us. [chuckles]
Jill: We're parents. When our kids play doctor, we nail 'em for malpractice.