Tim: It's gettin' late, guys. I'm gonna call my wife real quick.
Pete: No, wait, Tim. Am I hearing this right? You have to check in with the little woman?
Rock: Those pants come in a man's size, Timmy?
Tim: Hey, back off, fellas. I'm showing a little consideration. You got a problem with this?

Jill: [answers phone] Hello.
Tim: [as Pete throws a peanut at his head] Hey, butthead.
Jill: Excuse me?
Tim: Honey, you're not a butthead, of course. I got hit with a peanut.
Jill: Tim, where are you?
Tim: I'm down at Big Mike's with the guys from K&B.
Jill: Well, I thought you said this morning that you were coming right home.
Tim: Yeah, I know I said that, but we had a great show so we stopped by for a few beers. Is that all right?
Jill: Oh, yeah. Yeah. That sounds like fun. Uh... But I want you to know that I'm really looking forward to seeing you.
Tim: Oh, same here, you know. I'll be home real soon. 15 minutes tops. I'm on my... [Rock hands Tim a beer] on my way out the door right now. Set your timer.
Jill: OK. I'm just gonna be listening to a little... Billie Holiday.
Tim: Yeah, I'm comin' right home.
Jill: I'll be waiting.

Jill: [to herself] Two hours. Unbelievable. "Set the timer."
Tim: Hello. It's me. Hey, Jill. What are you doin' sittin' here in the... Uh-oh. Hey, looks like you planned something special.
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: You put together a little dinner for...
Jill: Uh-huh.
Tim: Hey, where are the kids?
Jill: Your mother came and picked 'em up.
Tim: No kids. Oh, no.
Jill: Yeah, so we could have a nice romantic evening alone together, just me and that chicken on your plate.
Tim: So you must have had to carry the conversation.

Jill: I just wanna know what happened to "15 minutes. Set the timer."
Tim: Honey, I'm really sorry, but the guys and I got in some real serious discussions about... um... relationship things, you know, men-women stuff. Sharing feelings. Pretty heavy stuff.
Jill: I spent two days planning this evening. Do you have any idea how long it's been since we had a quiet, romantic evening together?
Tim: I was on the phone. Why didn't you say, "Come home"?
Jill: I wanted to surprise you.
Tim: Well... I'm surprised.

Tim: Come on, Jill. I don't go out with these guys every night. What's making you so angry?
Jill: I am angry because you said you were going to be home in 15 minutes and then you weren't. Because I'm flirting with you like crazy on the phone and you didn't even notice. And most of all, because I went to all this trouble for nothing. I spent the whole evening by myself, and now you're stuck with a plate of cold food.
Tim: Oh, don't worry about me, I ate at the bar. [Jill walks off] Well, wait, wait, wait, wait. I didn't have dessert.

Brad: When a girl punches you... do you think she wants to kiss you?
Tim: If it's an uppercut, no. If it's a short jab to the shoulder, maybe.
Brad: That's what I thought.
Tim: Has Jennifer been giving you jabs or uppercuts?
Brad: Jabs.
Tim: Does that worry you?
Brad: Yeah.
Tim: Me too.

Tim: Hey, hey. Leave those eggs alone, please. That's my breakfast.
Randy: Where's Mom? And how come you're eating alone?
Tim: No reason.
Randy: You and Mom have a fight?
Tim: No, we did not have a fight.
Randy: So what did you do wrong, Dad?
Tim: I didn't do anything wrong. Remember that, little mister. Now go out and play or do something.
Randy: [to himself] OK, OK. Just because he has a fight with Mom, he has to take it out on me.

Jill: Tim, about last night... Did you make me breakfast?
Tim: Yeah. Yeah.
Jill: This is really sweet.
Tim: Well, you're worth it, honey. I was just... I got up this morning and I was thinking: "What could I do for Jill?" And it just came to me - eggs.
Jill: Thank you. They're delicious.
Tim: Mm.
Jill: Tim, I feel really bad about last night...
Randy: Hey, Dad.
Tim: Don't interrupt.
Jill: How come Mom gets to eat your eggs?
Tim: There's no name on these. [chuckles] Kids.

Tim: Are you saying I don't do anything romantic for you?
Jill: That's not what I'm saying. In fact, that whole thing last night was your idea.
Tim: That was my idea?
Jill: Yeah. You know the other night, when we were watching that Charles Boyer movie on the late show, and there was that real romantic candlelight dinner scene between Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer? You said, "Wouldn't it be nice if we did that?"
Tim: I meant talk with accents.

Tim: Jill? Hey, Jill. I... Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt anything. Excuse me a minute, Jennifer. Brad, where's your mom?
Brad: I don't know.
Mark: [o.s.] She went to the store.
Tim: Come on down from there, you little monkeys. Come out here.
Brad: You guys are dead.
Tim: Get out of that tree.