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‘Read My Hips’ Quotes   Page 2 of 3  

Home Improvement: Read My Hips

201. Read My Hips

Aired September 16, 1992

Jill thinks Tim isn't picking up on her signals after he misses a romantic evening she planned by staying late at a bar.

Quote from Mark

Mark: Mom, why are you dropping flowers on the table?
Jill: They're petals, see? It's romantic. I'm gonna give your father this surprise dinner tonight and I want everything to be perfect for him.
Mark: Then why aren't you eating in front of the TV?


Quote from Jill

Jill: Randy, come on, move it.
Randy: Not yet. I think Brad and Jennifer are gonna kiss.
Jill: What?
Randy: Well, they've been looking at each other like that for an hour.
Jill: I have never seen him stare at anything that long. Maybe I should just glue his history book to her face.

Quote from Brad

Jill: And Brad, you are way too young to be thinking about kissing. There's other things that you need to think about first. Like... shaving.
Brad: I've shaved.
Randy: Not a cat, stupid. [as Jill marches towards them] We'll go pack.

Quote from Randy

Tim: What do you think you're doin' up there? Hope you're satisfied. You embarrassed your brother on his date.
Randy: Yeah, that was the plan.
Tim: Bad plan. Go embarrass somebody else.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: [sings] It had to be you It had to be you I wandered around, finally found
Tim: [sings] Somebody who
Wilson: Hi-ho, tone-deaf neighbor.
Tim: Hey, Wilson. What are you doing with that feather?
Wilson: Tim, I'm practicing an ancient Japanese technique.
Tim: Sumo tickling.
Wilson: No, no, Tim. I'm cross-pollinating irises. You take a feather and move the pollen from the stamen... It had to be you... to the pistil. It had to be you...
Tim: Why do you sing?
Wilson: Gets 'em in the mood, Tim. Here's to I'amour.

Quote from Tim

Wilson: Tim, you're putting a bored-out small-block 350 engine into your hot rod, right?
Tim: You bet I am. 400 crank, 30 to a 383.
Wilson: Oh, that's a very complex piece of machinery.
Tim: [whistles] 400 ponies. Holley double pumper. Yeah, you betcha. 2200 rpm stall-converter. Purrs like a kitten. Maybe a big cat. Err!
Wilson: Now, if something went wrong with that engine, you'd be able to hear it?
Tim: Oh, yeah.
Wilson: Really?
Tim: King-king-bing-ding-ding-ding. Metal-to-metal noises - valve train. Maybe camshaft, lower end. Bad news. Arcing sounds, always electrics, just dead. You can pick up on that stuff.
Wilson: Well, that's very, very subtle. Must be hard to pick up on that?
Tim: Not if you're tuned in, really paying attention. [grunts]
Wilson: [sings] It had to be you
Tim: It seems like it's always me, yeah.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hi, ma'am. Telephone repairman here to fix the phone.
Jill: Tim, what are you doing?
Tim: The name's Fred, ma'am.
Jill: Fred?
Tim: Yeah, Fred. Got a report of some crossed signals at this house. That the faulty unit over here?
Jill: Yeah, Fred. I've been having some trouble getting through to my husband.
Tim: I can fix that, ma'am. Are you here by yourself? Must be hard on a woman as fine-looking as you, big house like this, get a little lonely, huh? Do you like gladiator movies?

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, I don't think you should do that.
Tim: It's not Tim, it's Fred. There's your problem. The receiver's just not pickin' up signals.
Jill: Well, maybe it's my fault. Maybe... sometimes I don't speak clearly enough.
Tim: No, it's not your fault. Your signals are quite clear. There's your problem right there, ma'am. The attentive wire is faulty. Let's tighten it up, make it...
Jill: Tim, no, no, no, no, no.
Tim: Fred.
Jill: Fred.
Tim: Just needs a little tweakin'.
Jill: Well, Fred, while you're tweakin', maybe I should get us a glass of wine.
Tim: Do you usually talk to repairmen like this?

Quote from Jill

Tim: Well, there she is. Good as new.
Jill: Does this mean that my husband will pick up on all my signals now?
Tim: Loud and clear, babe.
Jill: Well, do you think that he'll pick up on this one?
Tim: Rotator cuff problem?
Jill: How about this one?
Tim: You want me to steal second?
Jill: Maybe I'm being too subtle.
Tim: Look out, lady. [they kiss] You don't wanna pay your bill, do you, lady?

Quote from Randy

Randy: Well, Jennifer punched you. Kathy Kramer said when a girl punches a boy, she wants to get a hot kiss on the lips.
Jill: That is not what it means.
Randy: Well, Kathy Kramer should know, Mom. She went to school in France.
Jill: You stay away from her.

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