Tim: OK, now put the wrench on the coupling at the end of the trap.
Jill: You mean this thing here?
Tim: No, no, no. That connects the elbow to the drain pipe and the flange.
Jill: "Flange"? Who comes up with all these stupid names?
Tim: I'm sorry, honey. It's the little silvery thingy at the bottom, right down in...
Jill: You don't have to be sarcastic, you know. You're using all these technical terms.
Tim: This is practically baby talk.
Jill: Oh, oh, excuse me. I guess I forgot that Mark's first three words were "Mommy", "Daddy" and "flange".

Tim: Well, their excuse is, [high-pitched voice] "Well, you know about this stuff. I don't." "I could break a nail." This is an excuse, women. And you're not the type to have excuses. You need to be taught. And I don't think you're stupid just because you don't know anything. No, that didn't come out right. I don't want to get any cards and letters over that, right, Al?
Al: That's Tim Taylor, care of Tool Time, PO Box 327...
Tim: Al, I think they know the address. Well, this is gonna be different because on next week's show. I've invited a group of women in, and I'm going to teach them basic home repair using a simple language even women can understand.
Al: PO Box 32733...
Tim: No, I didn't mean to give the impression that women are simple. No, that's not what I mean. I mean, it's not a woman's fault that they grew up spending half their time playing with plastic ovens and dolls, and don't know a thing about tools. Right, Al?
[Al holds up a card reading "Tim Taylor, c/o Tool Time, P.O. Box 32733, Detroit, MI 48252-0733"]
Tim: All right, we're going to finish sanding that table now. We've got our belt attached with a rough grip. And we want to plug the thing in now.
Al: Of course, you want to be sure the trigger switch is not locked in the "on" position.
Tim: Any idiot knows that, Al.
[When Tim turns the belt sander on, it shoots across the table. Al once again holds up the Tool Time address card]

Tim: We got into this big argument when I tried to teach her some basic plumbing.
Wilson: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Tim: Just simple stuff, you know: coupling, flange, the trap.
Wilson: Well, Tim. I think the problem might be your metamessage.
Tim: That would be "message" with "meta" on the front of it.
Wilson: Yes, sirree Bob. Two Ms, three Es, two As, two Ss, T and a lonely little G.
Tim: You have an awful lot of spare time, don't you, Wilson?
Wilson: You see, Tim, when men teach women, they tend to use complicated, technical terms to make themselves appear superior. Thus saying to the woman "you are inferior".

Tim: You can't unplug the sink with needle nose pliers.
Jill: I'm going to use the pliers to get your screwdriver out of the drain.
Tim: Why is my screwdriver in the drain?
Jill: I used it to unclog the sink.
Tim: What?! You used a screwdriver?
Jill: Yeah, well, I tried the plunger and it didn't work, so I decided I should stab the guck.
Tim: "Stab the guck" with a Binford nickel-plated screwdriver?
Jill: Yeah. Why don't you just go back to your hot rod and let me take care of this?
Tim: Ugh... Right. Next thing you know you'll be jamming my band saw down there.
Jill: I might. What's a band saw?

Tim: All right, before we get going here. I'd like to ask you fellas a few questions if I could. It is the '90s, and women expect us to help a little bit around the house, don't they? And maybe we should. Should we? [scattered mumbling from the audience] Yeah. Hey, come on. You know we should help around the house, right? [murmurs of agreement from the audience] Yeah, you know the problem is, women want us to help with their work. But do they help with our work?
All: No!
Tim: They expect us to do the laundry, clean the oven, mop the floor, huh, right?
Audience: Yeah.
Tim: Do you ever see her out there gapping and changing a spark plug?
Audience: No!
Tim: Unclogging a drain?
Audience: No!

Tim: Jill, come over here. I'm going to teach you some basic plumbing.
Jill: No, no, no, Tim. You are not teaching.
Tim: Look, you've got to learn basic plumbing. What would happen if I died?
Jill: And all the plumbers are dead?

Tim: If you wanted to fix it, you should learn how to do it properly.
Jill: Well, why should I learn how to do it when you already know how to do it properly?
Tim: Honey, I thought we share responsibilities here.
Jill: We do.
Tim: Well, I learned how to do the laundry, separate the colors, put the fabric softener in...
Jill: No, wait, wait. Wait a minute. When was the last time that you did the laundry, Tim?
Tim: You know, that's... this isn't the point.

Tim: Now that we've finished the construction of our trestle table, let's begin the finish and sanding. For that, I'm going to discuss two different kinds of sanders. Your belt sander, which is very powerful and perfect for the rough sanding. And your orbital, or vibrating sander, which is smaller and perfect for putting in your pocket. Right, Al?
Al: I wouldn't know, Tim.
Tim: I am kidding about that. I am kidding. Never, ever put electrical devices in your pants.

Tim: Wilson, you all right?
Wilson: Just fine, neighbor.
Tim: Agh!
Wilson: I see you've met my scarecrow, Oliver. I always try to flameproof him before I put him away for winter.

Tim: Hi, everybody, and welcome to this special edition, "The Ladies of Tool Time". Hey! Normally we get the show going with a big hearty grunt to get those lungs open. Come on, everybody. [grunts] [the audience is silent] [makes monkey noises]
Rose: Where is Irma?
Judith: Yeah, I drove all the way from Langton to see Cooking with Irma.
Tim: Well, settle down for a minute. We played a little trick on you. We took the normal Tool Time audience and they're over watching Cooking with Irma. And we brought you ladies in here for a little treat.
Judith: Hey, I don't care about no tools. I came down here to learn to cook.
Rose: I'm confused. You mean Irma's not going to show us how to make crab curry?
Tim: No. Wha- What's going to happen... I'm gonna show you how to repair three very typical household problems. Oh, a clogged sink, a bad electrical connection, the running toilet.
Rose: Oh, my God.
Tim: Hey, you get to keep those hats. Those hats are yours. Hey, there's the spirit.