Wilson Quote #119
Wilson: Well, Jill, I can understand your frustration. You know, it's been said that men marry women hoping they won't change. Women marry men hoping they will.
Jill: Are you saying there's no hope?
Wilson: No, not necessarily. In the time I've known Tim, I've seen him progress and evolve significantly.
Jill: We're talking about Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor?
Wilson: Yes, indeed. As a matter of fact, when he first moved in, I had to remind him when your birthday was. Now I just have to remind him to get a gift.
Jill: Well, I guess that's some improvement. His table manners are better. It's been a while since I've seen him shoot peas out his nose.
Wilson: Well, there you go.
Jill: It's just... he's evolving so slowly.
Wilson: Well, Jill, I'm reminded of an old Chinese proverb. "Be not afraid of growing slowly. Be afraid only of standing still." I'm sure that Tim will eventually become the man you want him to be.
Jill: Yeah, but with my luck, he'll be 101, and he'll listen to everything I say, but he won't know who I am.
Quote from Jill
Jill: Tim, when you talk, I listen.
Tim: Uh-huh. What kind of carburetors are on the hot rod?
Jill: Holley double pumpers.
Tim: Holley... What?
Jill: Holley double pumpers.
Tim: Well, I've told you about the engine. What kind of engine do I have in the hot rod, huh? Huh?
Jill: 350 small block, bored 30 over with a 400 crank.
Jill: 185/60 R-14s.
Tim: Aha! They're 195s! And you say you listen to me. [looks at the car] Is it written on here somewhere?
Quote from Tim
Al: And this works with more than just footballs. You can duplicate any of your favorite colors.
Tim: That's right. Antifreeze Green, Roadkill Gray... Oh. Smash-Your-Thumb- With-A-Hammer Purple. But today, we develop a color just for Tool Time - the color Al.
Al: Excuse me, Tim?
Tim: I'm gonna make a color out of you. You'll be bigger than Fuchsia.
Al: This is absolutely ridiculous.
Tim: No, let's show 'em what the machine can do. Play along, Al.
Al: That's not what the machine...
Tim: Al, just put your finger in there. There you go. OK. One part Pasty White, two parts Flannel. OK.
Al: I don't wanna be a color.
Tim: Well, neither did Red, and look how well things turned out for him. Computer's in. All right. Oh, yeah. Now we got a bucket of Al, and I'm ready to paint with Big Al here. OK. Of course, Al is economical in the gallon size here. Al goes on smooth, just like that.
[As Tim "paints" on the wall, a photo of Al is revealed]
Tim: The Al paint can be cleaned up with soap and water. Unlike the real Al, which needs turpentine and a wire brush. For larger jobs - industrial buildings and warehouses - we suggest a roller and a couple of gallons of Al's mom.
Quote from Jill
Wilson: Hi-ho, neighbor.
Jill: Hidey-ho, Wilson.
Wilson: Jill! What a pleasant surprise.
Jill: You're out late.
Wilson: Mm-hmm. Just doing a little stargazing. You know, they say if you had a strong enough telescope, you could look back in time to very early man before his brain was fully developed.
Jill: Come over to our house. You can see the same thing without a telescope.
Wilson: Trouble in the Taylor galaxy?
Jill: Yeah. It's the Big Dip.
Quote from Bye Bye Birdie
Tim: I want Brad to be a good student.
Tim: So I told him that multiplying compound fractions is a real important part of that. But, you know, between you and me, it's kinda useless information.
Wilson: Well, I don't know about that, Tim. There was a time when I thought my extensive research into ancient tribal cultures, obscure scientific data, the thoughts of great philosophers, would never come in handy. Then you moved in.
Quote from Doctor in the House
Wilson: A Ph.D.?! Tim? Aw, Jill, Jill, Jill, Jill... Do you realize how many hours I had to study to get my doctorate in forgotten languages and extinct cultures? Oh, my, my, my. Sitting in that library, reading that insufferable microfilm till I thought I would practically go blind? Not to mention that to support myself, I had to volunteer as a subject for lab experiments. Oh, oh. And the thing that really irritates me about this whole thing...
Wilson: Oh, Jill, Jill, talk me down, talk me down.
Jill: I came out here so you'd talk me down.
Wilson: Oh, I'm sorry, Jill. I just lost control.
Quote from Not-So-Great Scott
Jill: I had a patient come in and tell me that she'd had an affair with Heidi's husband. Heidi found out about it because I broke confidentiality and told Tim.
Wilson: Ah. Now you're telling me.
Jill: Oh, my God! I did it again. I can't believe it! I'm completely hopeless. You know, I'm just lucky that my supervisor never found out what I did.
Wilson: Well, you are right because she could've lost her license, and you could've been kicked out of the master's program.
Wilson: Oh, really. Also, the school could've been sued, and you might've been written about in textbooks for future generations to study.
Jill: Wilson, you're not making me feel any better.
Wilson: Well, excuse me! Why do I always have to be Santa's little helper? Well, I mean, I have wants. I-I-I- I have needs. I have issues. But does anyone ever come to the fence and say, "Wilson, do you have a problem?" I mean, no! It's just "Me, me, me, me!"