Tim Quote #2899
Al: And what would this be?
Payne Stewart: I know what this is. This is a special driver designed for senior citizens to get more distance. They don't even have to swing it because it's got 25 caliber charge in it.
Tim: Not anymore. I bored it out to a 44 magnum.
Payne Stewart: That's cheating.
Al: Welcome to my world.
Tim: Stand back, guys. All right. Fire in the hole.
[Theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey plays as Tim's ball lands on the moon]
Computer: [o.s.] You the man.
Quote from Tim
Tim: You don't understand. You do not understand. Al is like a dependable four-door Rambler and Heidi like a twelve-cylinder Ferrari. They don't belong in the same garage. And yet she parked overnight there.
Jill: Nothing happened!
Tim: But I won't rest until I find out what's going on.
Jill: Oh, Tim. Look, even if they were parked in the same garage, you are not their mechanic. You're just being petty.
Tim: Oh, I'm being petty?
Jill: Yeah. Why should you be the only one with an incredibly desirable woman? [blows nose]
Quote from Wilson
Wilson: Tim, it's not easy to change one's perceptions of things. But it can be very healthy. Some people might even say it's a growth experience.
Tim: OK, Wilson. But how far does this go? I mean, how do I really know you are who I think you are?
Wilson: Well, how do I know you're who I think you are?
Tim: How do I know you're the one who said that?
Wilson: How do I know you heard what I said?
Tim: How do I know you're here really?
Wilson: Who else would have the time to come out and listen to this silly conversation?
Quote from At Sea
Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".
Quote from Her Cheatin' Mind
Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.