Al Quote #389

Quote from Al in Futile Attraction

Al: Well, Mr. Stewart, first things first. How does one go about choosing the right driver?
Payne Stewart: Well, it depends on your ability.
Al: OK.
Payne Stewart: All right, now, what's your handicap, Al?
Al: Tim. Actually, it's 16.
Payne Stewart: Then along with a few lessons, you'll want a driver like this. With an expanded sweet spot.
Al: All right.
Payne Stewart: Tim, what's your handicap?
Tim: Payne, Payne, Payne, Payne, Payne. What's a handicap? I think golf is more of a Zen-like, jujitsu type of thing.
Al: His handicap is 35.

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 ‘Futile Attraction’ Quotes

Quote from Tim

Tim: You don't understand. You do not understand. Al is like a dependable four-door Rambler and Heidi like a twelve-cylinder Ferrari. They don't belong in the same garage. And yet she parked overnight there.
Jill: Nothing happened!
Tim: But I won't rest until I find out what's going on.
Jill: Oh, Tim. Look, even if they were parked in the same garage, you are not their mechanic. You're just being petty.
Tim: Oh, I'm being petty?
Jill: Yeah. Why should you be the only one with an incredibly desirable woman? [blows nose]

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Tim, it's not easy to change one's perceptions of things. But it can be very healthy. Some people might even say it's a growth experience.
Tim: OK, Wilson. But how far does this go? I mean, how do I really know you are who I think you are?
Wilson: Well, how do I know you're who I think you are?
Tim: How do I know you're the one who said that?
Wilson: How do I know you heard what I said?
Tim: How do I know you're here really?
Wilson: Who else would have the time to come out and listen to this silly conversation?

 Al Borland Quotes

Quote from Dead Weight

Al: I was just thinking about my mother, all the great times we used to have. When I was a kid, she used to take us to the park. We'd fly kites, she'd push us on the swing. We'd spend hours on the teeter-totter.
Tim: I used to love the teeter-totter. Up and down. Up and down.
Al: Down?
Tim: Well, they play it differently in different parts of the country.

Quote from This Joke's for You

Al: What, your little bell will send 5,000 volts coursing through my body? [chuckles] While he stands back and yells, "Remember the Al-amo!"
Tim: I just want you to press the bell.
Al: I know... It's just a setup, isn't it? It's one big setup.
Tim: It is not a setup!
Al: Soon you'll start in with the uncalled-for slams against my mother...
Tim: Al.
Al: How she always shops in the husky section. How she wiped out the all-you-can-eat salad bar.
Tim: Al, I simply came out here to put this thing together.
Al: Well, go ahead. Just say it. My mother is a big fat cow!
Tim: Goodness gracious, Al. We'll be right back after these messages from Binford Tools.