Al Quote #373
Al: Well, in the meantime, why don't we look at some stocking stuffers from Binford?
Heidi: This year, say "Merry Christmas" with how-to videos starring Tim and Al.
Al: That's right. Show your loved ones how to get rid of that annoying hum from lights in Silence of the Lamps.
Heidi: And learn when to use nails instead of adhesives in Glueless.
Al: And my personal favorite, The Nutty Compressor. They loved this one in France.
Features in the collection: Christmas Quotes.
Jill: Actually, honey. I think that those guys at the mall are Santa's helpers, you know. The way that AI is Daddy's helper.
Mark: So they do all the work.
Tim: They assist Santa. Like AI assists me.
Mark: Oh, that makes sense.
Randy: OK, fine. Here's the truth. There used to be a Santa Claus. But he died six years ago.
Brad: Yep, you just missed out.
Mark: Santa Claus isn't dead.
Randy: Yes, he is. He had a terrible accident with one of his reindeer. Blitzen fell on him.
Mark: He's really dead?
Brad: Kicked the bucket.
Randy: Bought the dirt farm.
Brad: Six feet under.
Randy: Pushing up the daisies.
Brad: Deader than a doornail.
Randy: Stiff as a board.
Brad: Cold as ice.
Randy: Met his maker.
Quote from Tim
Tim: This will be my most exciting lighting display ever. The guys at the power plant will be working overtime for this bad boy, huh?
Mark: Uh, you might want to read this flyer. I found it in the mailbox. It's from the lighting contest committee.
Tim: "Because certain rooftop displays have continually exceeded the bounds of prudent energy consumption and good taste, this year's lighting contest will be strictly regulated"?!
Randy: They're pulling the plug on you, Dad.
Tim: What makes you think this has to do with me?
Randy: It says right here, "To be referred to, henceforth, as the Tim Taylor clause".
Tim: This is bunk. This is bunk. Come on! "Electricity is limited to two 20-amp breakers." Who can work with that? "No bulbs over 25 watts." Ha, ha! "Maximum height of elves, three feet." What kind of elf is three foot tall?
Brad: Yeah, well, this one's gonna kill you. "Nativity scenes may include only characters specifically mentioned in the Bible."
Randy: Which means no more Three Stooges.
Tim: Those were the Three Wise Men.
Randy: Oh, really? Then why were they poking each other in the eye?
Tim: To break up the trip.
Quote from Wilson
Jill: I'm sorry, I'm just upset about this whole thing with my mother and her new boyfriend.
Wilson: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Jill: Tim says I should wait till after the holidays to talk to her about it, but I'm acting so crazy. I'm throwing baked goods at Keith Partridge. I don't know. What do you think?
Wilson: Well, he's no Greg Brady, but....
Jill: No! I mean, what do you think about whether I should talk to her.
Wilson: Well, I agree with the poet William Blake, who said, "I was angry with my friend I told my wrath My wrath did end".
Jill: Yeah, but if I talk to her it could ruin her Christmas.
Wilson: If you don't talk to her, it could ruin everybody else's.
Quote from Dead Weight
Al: I was just thinking about my mother, all the great times we used to have. When I was a kid, she used to take us to the park. We'd fly kites, she'd push us on the swing. We'd spend hours on the teeter-totter.
Tim: I used to love the teeter-totter. Up and down. Up and down.
Tim: Well, they play it differently in different parts of the country.
Quote from This Joke's for You
Al: What, your little bell will send 5,000 volts coursing through my body? [chuckles] While he stands back and yells, "Remember the Al-amo!"
Tim: I just want you to press the bell.
Al: I know... It's just a setup, isn't it? It's one big setup.
Tim: It is not a setup!
Al: Soon you'll start in with the uncalled-for slams against my mother...
Al: How she always shops in the husky section. How she wiped out the all-you-can-eat salad bar.
Tim: Al, I simply came out here to put this thing together.
Al: Well, go ahead. Just say it. My mother is a big fat cow!
Tim: Goodness gracious, Al. We'll be right back after these messages from Binford Tools.