Tim Quote #2160
Jill: Tim, why can't you just eat breakfast and then shower?
Tim: If I eat breakfast early, I'll be hungry when I get to work. Then I'll have a snack and push lunch way back.
Tim: Come on. Follow me here. If I push lunch back I won't eat dinner till late. I'll go to bed bloated, feel uneasy and won't sleep. I'll be too tired to go to work. Al will have to do Tool Time. Ratings will plummet. We'll lose the show, lose our jobs, lose our money, lose our house, be in a cardboard box on the freeway. If you think taking a shower is worth that...
Jill: Oh, just go!
Quote from Tim
Tim: Hey, Wilson?
Wilson: Well, hidey-ho, there, studly neighbor.
Tim: Today at Tool Time, Al and Heidi quit.
Wilson: Uh, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Tim: Do you have any words of wisdom for me?
Wilson: Well, Tim, nothing of any significance. I've been giving you advice for so many decades, I'm at the bottom of the barrel. Barrel. How about this? More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
Tim: That- That- That doesn't help me very much.
Wilson: Uh... um, "monkey see, monkey do".
Tim: You gotta do better than this. I mean, getting advice from you is one of my routines.
Wilson: Well, it's your routine that sucked me dry.
Tim: Come on. You gotta have something.
Wilson: Well, let's try this one on for size. There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She got sick of your routine and I did, too. [Wilson has a shoe on his head]
Quote from Delores
Marty: Oh, listen. If Tim is anything like Bob, he'll never change. Every night it's the same. Seven o'clock: "Where's the food?" Seven-oh-five: "You call that food?" Seven-fifteen: "Why'd you let me eat so much food?"
Jill: Tim does all that. Then he opens his pants, sticks out his gut, and belches.
Delores: Nobody is more set in his ways than Harry. Every Saturday night at 11:30 after the sports report, he wakes me up and asks the same question: "You want to do it?"
Marge: And they say romance is dead.
Delores: It's been that way for 25 years. I wish he could be a little more spontaneous and skip a Saturday every once in a while.
Quote from At Sea
Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".
Quote from Her Cheatin' Mind
Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.