Tim Quote #1876
Al: Oh, that's my beeper. I wonder who that is.
Tim, Jill & Ilene: Your mother.
Al: Can I use your phone?
Jill: Yeah, sure.
Ilene: That's the fourth time she's beeped him this morning.
Jill: I can imagine Al's mother would put stress on any relationship.
Tim: Al's mother could put stress on a 20-ton steel beam.
Quote from Jill
Al: You know, Ilene, I resent your attitude towards my mother. She's a wonderful, giving woman who lights up all the lives she touches.
Ilene: Oh, please! I am so sick of you putting your mother up on a pedestal!
Jill: [quietly to Tim] You got to admire him for having the strength to hoist her up there. Oh, my God! I'm turning into you.
Tim: It's kind of fun, isn't it?
Quote from Tim
Tim: We really have to get there. Is there a car-rental counter here?
Clerk: Of course. [removes the "Ticket Counter" sign and puts up a "Pilgrim Car Rental" sign] Now, what kind of car would you like? We're running a special on convertibles.
Tim: It's four degrees outside.
Clerk: Then I'd advise you to leave the top up.
Al: Could you give us a map so we could find our way to Kinross?
Clerk: No problem. I don't think the map is going to do you much good.
Al: Why not?
Clerk: The roads are closed.
Tim: Well, why are we renting a car if we can't drive it anywhere?
Clerk: I was wondering the same thing myself.
Quote from At Sea
Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".
Quote from Her Cheatin' Mind
Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.