Tim Quote #1847
Jill: When's your mom supposed to be here?
Tim: Any minute. I can't wait to see the old hunk of junk again.
Jill: Your mother?
Tim: Her car. Last time I saw her, her rear end was sagging, she had no pickup.
Jill: The car?
Tim: No, my mother.
Quote from Al
Al: Boy, it was awfully nice of you to invite me down for coffee. You haven't done that in a long time. Or ever.
Tim: I thought it'd give us a good chance to talk.
Al: Oh, yeah? About what?
Al: Oh, no. No. Oh, boy, I should've seen this one coming. You invited me down here to make fun of my mother.
Al: OK, well, what's it gonna be today? More fat jokes? Oh, you've already done all those. How about her perspiration problem? Or maybe the way her jowls sway. Or how about the way the skin under her arms wobble?
Quote from Wilson
Tim: What do you think?
Wilson: Well, Tim, I think that you may already know the answer.
Tim: I already have the answer?
Wilson: Yes. I'm reminded of something you told me a couple of years ago about your father.
Tim: What does my father have to do with this?
Wilson: Well, do you remember telling me that the great regret of your life is that you never got to know him very well?
Tim: Well, he died when I was 11. I didn't have the chance to get to know him.
Wilson: Well, your mom's still alive. You wanna ruin that chance with her?
Quote from At Sea
Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".
Quote from Her Cheatin' Mind
Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.