Tim Quote #1724
Quote from Tim in Jill's Surprise Party
Randy: Why throw Mom a 39th birthday party anyway? I thought 40 was the big one.
Tim: [whistles] Randy, Randy, Randy, Randy. You got a lot to learn about women. A woman's 40th birthday party is something she does not want to celebrate.
Randy: Why not?
Tim: Well, because at 40 a woman feels like she's, you know, getting old. And that puts her in a very bad mood for a very long time.
Brad: How long?
Tim: Generally, the rest of her life. You see, at that age women don't like their looks anymore. You know, they see their cheeks sagging, necks hanging... And before long, it's inevitable their entire face will cave right in.
Mark: Even a party can't cheer her up?
Tim: I'm sorry to say, Mark, there's not a party big enough to make a woman happy who has no face.
More Home Improvement Quotes
‘Jill's Surprise Party’ Quotes
Quote from Tim
Ilene: Hey, I got the balloons. I had to go all over town but I got 'em.
Tim: Well, go all over town and take 'em back. They say "40th Birthday." It's her 39th.
Ilene: Her 39th? I thought this was her 40th birthday.
Heidi: Me, too. Why wouldn't you be having the party next year?
Mark: Because that's when a woman falls apart and her face caves in.
Nancy: Who told you that?
Mark: Dad. He knows everything about women.
Carrie: Is that so?
Tim: You know what the odd thing is? This boy has two fathers. And it was the other father who would've said something... [nervous chuckle] Oh, boy. Why don't you tell us everything you know about women, Tim?
Ilene: Yeah. We have a second.
Tim: Boy, is it hot! Are you hot at all here? Benny, can you help me out at all with this conversation?
Benny: I can't. I thought women fell apart when they hit 30.
Quote from Al
Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you know my assistant, Al "Generation X-tra Large" Borland. You might have noticed Al's not sporting his traditional plaid or flannel today because he's got a new look. I think he looks... peachy.
Al: I don't feel peachy.
Tim: All right, today we're talking about do-it-yourself jobs that aren't actually do-it-yourself. Now, replacing a pane of glass is one thing, but for plate glass, you'll need a helper. So today, I'll be hiking the glass in place, Al will use a point driver to secure it. [lifts glass] All right, Al, point driver.
Al: Uh, I don't have my point driver.
Tim: Well, thanks for "pointing" that out. Where is it?
Al: I left it backstage. I feel a little flummoxed without my flannel!
Tim Taylor Quotes
Quote from At Sea
Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".
Quote from Her Cheatin' Mind
Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.