Tim Quote #730
Tim: Birthday boy. Or should I say birthday man? A year older. That peach fuzz is turning into a little five o'clock shadow. [Tim & Mark grunt]
Jill: Oh, I ordered the balloons and the pinata today.
Tim: Well, cancel the order. This kid is the big 0-8. Halfway to driving age. I'm thinking... Indy 500 birthday. Checkered flags, maybe food...
Jill: Ah, I'm starting to get it. We could make a cake in the shape of a car.
Tim: Racecar cake. Oh! Penske Lola chassis, titanium valves and all that stuff. Kevlar tub. [Tim & Mark grunt] Come on, honey. Join in. Let's grunt as a family. [all grunt]
Quote from Wilson
Wilson: You see, Tim, once the baby girl comes out of the mother's womb, she spends the rest of her life trying to separate from her.
Tim: They are separate. They live in different states.
Wilson: No, no. No, Tim, I'm talking about emotional separation. You see, subconsciously, Jill may feel that if she doesn't want what her mother gives her, she's being disloyal to the person who gave her life.
Tim: What? Why do women get so confused about this stuff? I lived in a family of all boys. We were very clear about our communication. If I wanted something my brother had, I'd knock him down and take it.
Wilson: Well, that's very effective, but crude.
Tim: Right. You know, I think I could help these two ladies out. If I could just sit them down and tell them exactly what's going on.
Wilson: No, no, no, Tim. Throughout history, many truths have passed from man to man, and the one truth that transcends all cultures is: "When mother-in-law visits, man should stay in garage."
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yeah, I got a lot of work to do on the hot rod. Might as well just close the door and start her up. [grunts]
Quote from Tim
Lillian: Those Nana jokes on Tool Time were the best motivation a fat person could have.
Tim: What jokes? I wouldn't make jokes about you on the air.
Lillian: Oh, you wouldn't, would you?
Lillian: Well, does this sound familiar? What weighs 400lbs 2oz and sings in the shower? Nana holding a bar of soap.
Tim: That's funny, though.
Quote from At Sea
Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".
Quote from Her Cheatin' Mind
Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.