Jerry Holborne: We award this certificate to Tim Taylor for his efforts to promote safety at home and on the job.
Al: You're getting an award for safety?
Tim: Yeah, I am, flannel boy. You got a problem with that?
Al: Well, I guess they didn't see the show where you fell through the roof of the project house.
Tim: Maybe they didn't, Al.
Al: Or the time you glued your head to the table.
Tim: Al!
Al: Or the time when you stapled the...
Tim: Jerry... Jerry, continue.
Jerry Holborne: Your clever staging of realistic-looking accidents clearly shows viewers what not to do. We salute you.

Al: And how was the first ballroom dancing class?
Tim: It went pretty good.
Jill: Oh, pretty good! It was a disaster. He threw the teacher across the room.
Al: You did?
Tim: Not. She said, "Spin me. Spin me." You'd think a former June Taylor Dancer could take a fall better than that.
Jill: Well, she might have been able to if she hadn't caught her chin on the piano.
Al: Well, I'm still free for tomorrow night for lesson number two.
Jill: I don't think so, Al. After she regained consciousness, Mrs. Keeney gave our description to the security guard.
Tim: She was so woozy she described us as an elderly Japanese couple.

Randy: Want us to tell you what Mom got you?
Tim: [loudly] No, I don't want you to tell me what Mom got me. The surprise is half the fun. [quietly after Jill goes upstairs] I want to know and I want to know right now.
Randy: Oh, well, you know, I don't want to ruin the surprise.
Tim: Mark, two bucks?
Mark: Broom closet. Top shelf.
Tim: All right.
Randy: Hey, I didn't know there were gonna be bribes involved.
Tim: Where have you been living the last ten years?