TV Quotes

Jill: Actually, honey. I think that those guys at the mall are Santa's helpers, you know. The way that AI is Daddy's helper.
Tim: Right.
Mark: So they do all the work.
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: They assist Santa. Like AI assists me.
Mark: Oh, that makes sense.

Randy: OK, fine. Here's the truth. There used to be a Santa Claus. But he died six years ago.
Brad: Yep, you just missed out.
Mark: Santa Claus isn't dead.
Randy: Yes, he is. He had a terrible accident with one of his reindeer. Blitzen fell on him.
Mark: He's really dead?
Brad: Kicked the bucket.
Randy: Bought the dirt farm.
Brad: Six feet under.
Randy: Pushing up the daisies.
Brad: Deader than a doornail.
Randy: Stiff as a board.
Brad: Cold as ice.
Randy: Met his maker.

Jill: You just don't get it, do you? That money was supposed to go to the Oak Lane Children's Center. You stole money out of the hands of kids who have next to nothing for Christmas.
Brad: We weren't gonna take all of it, just some of it.
Jill: Some of it or all of it, it was still stealing.
Brad: We'll do extra chores to work off the money.
Tim: You're darn right you'll do extra chores to work off the money. Then you can go back to the stores, take this stuff back and get the money for it.
Jill: And then you're gonna go back to the shelter, you're gonna take in the money, and you're gonna tell them that you stole it.
Brad: But, Mom, they're gonna think we're thieves.
Randy: Good, Brad.

Randy: We made 90 bucks.
Brad: If we made 90 bucks a day, and we worked for seven days, we'd make, like, 200 bucks!
Randy: Brad, your math tutor must be proud.

Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".

Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.