Tim Quote #551
Quote from Tim in Abandoned Family
Randy: Mom, we need our pants for football practice.
Jill: Oh, no. I meant to wash those this morning.
Tim: That's OK, I'll take care of it. I'm running things now. Guys, let's go wash those pants.
Jill: Uh, Tim, you know, this is really a complicated deal here. There's two loads, you know. There's the dark load, that needs cold water and this darker-blue bleach, and the white load needs hot water and the white bleach. And you can't forget to add the fabric softener.
Tim: What time is practice?
Brad: 15 minutes.
Tim: [hits the uniforms against the washing machine] That load's done.
Randy: Thanks, Dad.
Home Improvement Quotes
‘Abandoned Family’ Quotes
Quote from Al
Al: Well, Tim, I also have a helpful household hint. I'm going to show the audience something you don't ordinarily do with a potato.
Tim: You might wanna keep the kids away from the TV set.
Al: Tim.
Al: Here's a safe way to take a broken bulb from its socket. You simply take a cut potato, jam it into the socket, twist...
Tim: And in minutes you have thousands of curly fries. A wonderful snack for TV time...
Al: Tim. Tim. Tim! I doubted the razor, but I gave it a chance. Please do not mock my potato.
Tim: You say, "potato," I say, "stupid."
Al: Tim, this'll work. You twist, and pull the broken bulb right out of the socket. But first, you must...
Tim: Jam it in the light.
[Sparks fly when Tim sticks the potato into the light. He trembles as he grabs his jacket and walks off set]
Al: Unplug the lamp.
Quote from Al
Al: Well, Tim... marriage is all about compromise. Give and take. Understanding each other and sharing.
Tim: That was beautiful, Al. Wanna hold hands and sing "Feelings"?
Al: I was just... I was just trying to help.
Tim: I don't need help on my marriage from a guy who hasn't been married.
Al: You think I don't know what it feels like to be married to you?
Tim: Huh?
Al: Sharing a workbench for three long years, and never having you once put the cap back on the epoxy. And don't think that I haven't noticed that you squeeze the tube from the middle instead of the end. These are just some of the things I have to take home with me every night.
Tim: I don't think we should call your segment "Bachelor Corner." We should call it "The Alone and Desperate Corner."
Quote from Jill
Jill: This is a list of all the things that you have to do tomorrow, see? Now, this is the dry-cleaning slip, you gotta pick that up. Then you go to the grocery store. Here's the list for that. Then you gotta make the boys' lunches. Can you put in some celery sticks, or carrot sticks?
Tim: Jill, they don't eat that stuff. They just turn into vegetable missiles in a food fight.
Jill: Honey, I'll be able to relax and work a lot better if I know that you're back here, doing everything the right way.
Tim: You mean your way?
Jill: That's what I said. The right way.