Al Quote #36
Quote from Al in A Battle of Wheels
Al: OK. So, uh... The most common decorative molding are the casings, which go around the doors and windows. And the, uh, baseboards - thank you, Tim - which go on the, uh... Ah, the. They go...
Al: [shouts] bottom of the walls! And the crown molding, which of course go up on... Oh. [Al's tie comes loose]
Tim: Can I assist you with that, Al?
Al: Uh, no thank you, Tim.
Tim: We could use a staple gun right to your Adam's apple, Al.
Al: And you know, speaking of staple guns, the, uh... Do... do you suppose that they call it a staple gun because it shoots out staples?
Tim: Yes, I do, Al.
Al: Well. I... I agree, Tim.
More Home Improvement Quotes
‘A Battle of Wheels’ Quotes
Quote from Al
Lisa: And now, Binford Tools is proud to present Tool Time, with its very special guest host, Al "The Tool Man" Borland.
Al: Hi. [struggles to get his jacket off] Hi. And... and welcome to Tool Time, the show with more power... [grunts weakly] Ah, you all know my guest assistant, Tim "The Assistant Man" Taylor. [Tim salutes] Tim and I are going to be showing you today the proper method of installing decorative molding around the interior of a doorway. [runs backstage] Thank you, Lisa. [returns and knocks on the door]
Tim: Jeez, Al.
Al: [comes up behind Tim] Ah, Tim. Do you suppose if Little Miss Muffet went through there, instead of a "doorway" they'd call it a "curds and whey"? [snorts]
Tim: I don't think so, Al.
Al: Why not?
Tim: That's Al "I Take My Job Seriously" Borland...
Quote from Wilson
Tim: You won't believe it, but you were wrong, Wilson. Jill didn't want intimacy.
Wilson: Is that so?
Tim: And you'll never guess what she really wanted.
Wilson: A little more time to herself?
Wilson: You see, Tim, as Khalil Gibran said: "For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."
Tim: Ah, that's beautiful. Oh, yeah, it is, yeah. I have no idea what you just said.
Wilson: I just mean that occasionally, it's healthy for you and Jill to be apart.
Tim: Why didn't you say that in the first place?
Wilson: It just came to me. Sometimes it's not good to get me too early in the day, Tim.
Al Borland Quotes
Quote from Dead Weight
Al: I was just thinking about my mother, all the great times we used to have. When I was a kid, she used to take us to the park. We'd fly kites, she'd push us on the swing. We'd spend hours on the teeter-totter.
Tim: I used to love the teeter-totter. Up and down. Up and down.
Tim: Well, they play it differently in different parts of the country.
Quote from This Joke's for You
Al: What, your little bell will send 5,000 volts coursing through my body? [chuckles] While he stands back and yells, "Remember the Al-amo!"
Tim: I just want you to press the bell.
Al: I know... It's just a setup, isn't it? It's one big setup.
Tim: It is not a setup!
Al: Soon you'll start in with the uncalled-for slams against my mother...
Al: How she always shops in the husky section. How she wiped out the all-you-can-eat salad bar.
Tim: Al, I simply came out here to put this thing together.
Al: Well, go ahead. Just say it. My mother is a big fat cow!
Tim: Goodness gracious, Al. We'll be right back after these messages from Binford Tools.