TV Quotes

Jill: "Insert the first two poles into the two sleeves. After getting two complete poles through the sleeves, you place the aluminum-tipped end into the grommet of the floor webbing loop." That's this.
Tim: Floor webbing... This. Okay.
Jill: Yeah. "By now it should be partially erect."
Both: The tent.

Tim: Wilson, I thought I could do both, you know, and make everybody happy.
Wilson: Well, Tim, let me tell you a little story, about a doe. A deer. A female deer.
Tim: You're not gonna break into a song, are you?
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no, Tim. Anyway, once, when I was driving up here. I came across a young deer standing in the middle of the road. And my headlights were shining directly into its eyes. She started to move one way. Then she moved another way. And then she panicked, she froze. I had to swerve the car to avoid hitting her. Ended up running into a tree.
Tim: Whoa.
Wilson: Now, the deer was happy, but I wasn't. If she had chosen one direction and ran, we both would've been happy. [Tim mumbles agreeably] You see, Tim, when you try to go in too many directions at once, you end up going nowhere.

Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".

Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.