Tim: Don't think of the audience as a group. When I first did Tool Time, I was petrified. So I tried to visualize it as just one person.
Jill: The first time you did Tool Time there was just one person.
Tim: That's not my point. I tried to visualize that person as being in their underwear.
Jill: He was in his underwear.
Tim: He was not.

Brad: Come on, Dad, we want to go back to the park. I told Bob and Stinky that we'd be back.
Tim: Well, Bob and Stinky are just gonna have to wait. 'cause we're gonna clean this house up for your ma. We do that to support our woman.
Brad: I don't have a woman.
Tim: Well, maybe Stinky could set you up with one.
Mark: I have a woman, Mommy.
Randy: Your mommy can't be your woman, doofus.
Tim: A lot of men pay a psychiatrist a lot of money to figure that one out, I tell you.

Wilson: Well, she's probably just afraid of appearing foolish in public. I believe it was Samuel Clemens who said...
Tim: Samuel Clemens?
Wilson: Well, you'd know him better as Mark Twain.
Tim: Oh.
Wilson: But that was just a pseudonym. A sobriquet.
Tim: Of course - a pseudonym, a sobriquet. Spell one of those. Pick one. Just...
Wilson: Let's just say pen name, Tim.
Tim: OK.
Wilson: Anyway, he said: "Better to have people think you're a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." [chuckles] My, my, my, my. What do you think about that, Tim? [Tim is silent] Tim.