TV Quotes

Tim: OK, now put the wrench on the coupling at the end of the trap.
Jill: You mean this thing here?
Tim: No, no, no. That connects the elbow to the drain pipe and the flange.
Jill: "Flange"? Who comes up with all these stupid names?
Tim: I'm sorry, honey. It's the little silvery thingy at the bottom, right down in...
Jill: You don't have to be sarcastic, you know. You're using all these technical terms.
Tim: This is practically baby talk.
Jill: Oh, oh, excuse me. I guess I forgot that Mark's first three words were "Mommy", "Daddy" and "flange".

Tim: Well, their excuse is, [high-pitched voice] "Well, you know about this stuff. I don't." "I could break a nail." This is an excuse, women. And you're not the type to have excuses. You need to be taught. And I don't think you're stupid just because you don't know anything. No, that didn't come out right. I don't want to get any cards and letters over that, right, Al?
Al: That's Tim Taylor, care of Tool Time, PO Box 327...
Tim: Al, I think they know the address. Well, this is gonna be different because on next week's show. I've invited a group of women in, and I'm going to teach them basic home repair using a simple language even women can understand.
Al: PO Box 32733...
Tim: No, I didn't mean to give the impression that women are simple. No, that's not what I mean. I mean, it's not a woman's fault that they grew up spending half their time playing with plastic ovens and dolls, and don't know a thing about tools. Right, Al?
[Al holds up a card reading "Tim Taylor, c/o Tool Time, P.O. Box 32733, Detroit, MI 48252-0733"]
Tim: All right, we're going to finish sanding that table now. We've got our belt attached with a rough grip. And we want to plug the thing in now.
Al: Of course, you want to be sure the trigger switch is not locked in the "on" position.
Tim: Any idiot knows that, Al.
[When Tim turns the belt sander on, it shoots across the table. Al once again holds up the Tool Time address card]

Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".

Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.