Brad: You know what your problem is? You're jealous of me.
Randy: Oh, please, what would I possibly have to be jealous about?
Brad: That people like my article better than yours, or maybe people just like me better.
Jill: Brad.
Tim: Jill.
Brad: No, no, no. I'm more popular, I'm more athletic, and it looks like now I'm a better writer.
Randy: You are such a deluded egomaniac.
Brad: No, no, you're the one that's deluded. I mean, you think people want to read your boring, intellectual crap?
Jill: Knock it off!
Tim: Guys, guys, guys, stop! What is the problem here?
Randy: Oh, no. The problem is, Dad, is your oldest son is so stupid he should be writing an article called, Hey Duh.
Brad: Hey, I'm taller than you too!

Wilson: You know Randy, once I was a young columnist for the Wichita Star, then I got bumped from my feature column by this hot-shot named Walter Winchell.
Randy: Walter Winchell?
Wilson: Oh, yes, the God of Gossip, The Earl of Innuendo, The Prince of Propaganda, The Duke of...
Randy: Wilson, I get it.
Wilson: No, no, no, I've got one more. The Baron of Baloney.
Randy: What were you gonna say?
Wilson: It's just I was so outraged by being upstaged by Winchell, I wanted to quit. And then suddenly, I realized, if more people buy the paper to read Winchell's column, more people are gonna read mine.
Randy: So maybe Hey Yo can do for me what Winchell did for you?
Wilson: Absolutely. As a matter of fact, because of him, the readership doubled for my column, Rock Beat.
Randy: You wrote about Rock and Roll?
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no. Rocks.

Randy: You know, Wilson, I've worked for two years at that paper trying to produce quality journalism.
Wilson: Then Brad waltzes in and steals your thunder.
Randy: Well, it's not so much that he stole my thunder, it's just what he stole it with.
Wilson: Jock itch.
Randy: You got it.
Wilson: Randy, let me ask you something. If Brad had written a brilliant article, would you feel any differently?
Randy: I might be a bit jealous, but at least I would've respected it.
Wilson: You know, despite what anyone may think of Brad's article, it doesn't diminish the quality yours. You know, Robert Kennedy once said, "Each time a man stands up for an ideal, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope."
Randy: Wilson, I'd like to believe that, but how do I keep pouring my heart into my writing if people are more interested in who's scratching where.