Tim Quote #2697
Tim: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What have I told you a thousand times?
Brad: I know. No medieval combat in the house.
Quote from Tim
Jill: Tim, I feel like we're drifting apart.
Tim: We're not drifting apart.
Jill: You don't think so?
Tim: No. Our relationship is like any couple that's been married this long. It's comfortable. It's... It's like an old pair of shoes.
Jill: That's what our marriage has become to you? Worn-out footwear?
Tim: Not worn-out. Broken in. Stretched out. This isn't helping, is it?
Quote from Wilson
Heidi: Welcome to Tool Time on location. All this week we're gonna show you how to remodel and organize your garage.
Al: And as you can see, this garage is crammed full of every object imaginable.
Tim: There's one object missing. I think it's called an automobile.
Al: That's right. The owner of this garage has a classic Studebaker, but because it's so crowded in here, [bagpipes sound] he's got no place to put it.
Tim: First you want to do is start getting rid of the big objects, like this totem pole.
Wilson: No, no, no! I could never part with my pole!
Tim: This is my neighbor, Wilson. It's his garage we're trying to organize.
Wilson: Oh, my old bagpipes. [bagpipes sound]
Al: To clean out your garage, you have to part with stuff.
Tim: That's right. Let's start by getting rid of this old bathtub.
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no. That's my special tub right there. You know, in the Roaring Twenties, my father used this to make bathtub gin.
Tim: That would explain the duck without a liver and with a case of jaundice.
Quote from At Sea
Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".
Quote from Her Cheatin' Mind
Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.