Tim Quote #2178
Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor and you all know my assistant, Al Borland.
Al: Today we're gonna show you how to maintain the tools in your workshop.
Tim: And we're not talking about some marriage workshop where they force you to spill your guts.
Al: Why would we? We're a tool show. You see, over time your tools could become useless if they're not properly maintained.
Tim: And maintenance on tools is easy. You don't have to drag these bad boys to some tool therapy group to "bring back the magic".
Al: Tool therapy group?
Tim: You must have read the book. Hammers are from Venus, Pliers are from Mars.
Al: You're the one from Mars.
Tim: They found life there, you know. There was a meteorite with old Germans in it. Now...
Al: Germs. There were germs in it.
Quote from Bud
Tim: I didn't know you and Jean were having any trouble.
Bud: Yeah, we just stopped talking to each other. There's nothing more important in a marriage than communication.
Tim: Is there any chance of you guys getting back together?
Bud: About as much chance as you getting through Tool Time without a fire or flood.
Tim: It doesn't look too good, does it?
Quote from Bud
Bud: I took my marriage for granted and now I'm having to pay the price. Do you know what it's like to go home to an 18-room mansion and there's no one to share it with but your domestic staff?
Tim: Can't say as I do, Bud.
Bud: Well, let me tell you, Tim, it's no fun.
Quote from At Sea
Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".
Quote from Her Cheatin' Mind
Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.