Tim Quote #2157
Quote from Tim in Future Shock
Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I'm your host, Tim Taylor. You all know my assistant, Al Borland. Thank you, Al. OK. Today's first segment is about stuff that's stuck.
Al: And we're not talking about Tim gluing his head to a table. We're talking about those pesky nails, screws and bolts that get stuck and seem impossible to remove.
Tim: That's right. OK? Problem: [suspenseful music] We got a mangled head of a screw here and the screwdriver will not fit in the slot. Oh, mon dieu. [French accent] How will I finish building ze bridge?
Al: Solution: Use your hacksaw to cut a new slot at a right angle to the old one.
Tim: [French accent] Perfect. Screwdriver fits. Now we finish ze bridge. Voila...! All right. Problem: [suspenseful music] The nail head is too deep to remove with a claw hammer. [French accent] Oh, mon dieu. How will I build ze windmill?
Al: Solution: Use your trusty cat's paw. You simply pound it with your hammer, making sure that the cat's paw goes underneath the nail head, then just pull. [cat screeching]
Home Improvement Quotes
‘Future Shock’ Quotes
Quote from Tim
Jill: Tim, why can't you just eat breakfast and then shower?
Tim: If I eat breakfast early, I'll be hungry when I get to work. Then I'll have a snack and push lunch way back.
Jill: So?
Tim: Come on. Follow me here. If I push lunch back I won't eat dinner till late. I'll go to bed bloated, feel uneasy and won't sleep. I'll be too tired to go to work. Al will have to do Tool Time. Ratings will plummet. We'll lose the show, lose our jobs, lose our money, lose our house, be in a cardboard box on the freeway. If you think taking a shower is worth that...
Jill: Oh, just go!
Quote from Tim
[dream sequence:]
Tim: Hey, Wilson?
Wilson: Well, hidey-ho, there, studly neighbor.
Tim: Today at Tool Time, Al and Heidi quit.
Wilson: Uh, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Tim: Do you have any words of wisdom for me?
Wilson: Well, Tim, nothing of any significance. I've been giving you advice for so many decades, I'm at the bottom of the barrel. Barrel. How about this? More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
Tim: That- That- That doesn't help me very much.
Wilson: Uh... um, "monkey see, monkey do".
Tim: You gotta do better than this. I mean, getting advice from you is one of my routines.
Wilson: Well, it's your routine that sucked me dry.
Tim: Come on. You gotta have something.
Wilson: Well, let's try this one on for size. There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She got sick of your routine and I did, too. [Wilson has a shoe on his head]
Quote from Delores
Marty: Oh, listen. If Tim is anything like Bob, he'll never change. Every night it's the same. Seven o'clock: "Where's the food?" Seven-oh-five: "You call that food?" Seven-fifteen: "Why'd you let me eat so much food?"
Jill: Tim does all that. Then he opens his pants, sticks out his gut, and belches.
Delores: Nobody is more set in his ways than Harry. Every Saturday night at 11:30 after the sports report, he wakes me up and asks the same question: "You want to do it?"
Marge: And they say romance is dead.
Delores: It's been that way for 25 years. I wish he could be a little more spontaneous and skip a Saturday every once in a while.